Dear Pastor,

How are you? As for me, I am OK. I am writing you this letter because I was wondering if you could please help me find a nice church girl that I could possibly marry in the future. I want to get started as soon as possible so that whoever you connect me with, we can start writing each other; then we can have our letters to show immigration that our relationship is not fraudulent.

I was born in America, but my parents are both Jamaicans. My father is from Red Hills in St Andrew and my mother is from May Pen, Clarendon. I am currently finishing up some prison time for a drug charge. I have about two and a half years left and I want to use the rest of the time to find my future wife. I would like five women who are single to choose from.

I don't want them for their money or anything like that. All I want is for them to write me letters and send me pictures, and when the time comes I would like for you to marry us. I plan to come to Jamaica and stay for six months when I get out of prison. When I am returning to the States, I want my wife to be coming back with me.

Just to let you know how I like my women, I like them nice and thick, but not fatter than Serena Williams, the tennis player. Please, no 'marga"'(slim) girls, pastor. She has to have long, pretty, natural hair and must be between the ages of 25 to 40. She has to have a job and should be good-looking; but if the vibe is right, she doesn't have to be that good looking. I just want to give my future wife the opportunity to live the American dream and make something of herself, so that she can take care of her family back home.

Just so you can have a little to tell them about me. I am 29 years old, single and have no drama in my life. Before I came to prison I was buying and selling houses (real estate) and throwing concerts with entertainers. When I come home, I plan on donating some funds to you and the church. Thank you, pastor.

R.A.

Dear R.A.,

You are very rude to be writing me this type of letter. You need to know your place. Where did you get the idea that I could recommend five girls to you so that you can fool around and lie your way into their lives? Do your time and after you are released from prison, try and get yourself a job and get a woman on your own. I am sure that before you went to prison you had a girlfriend. What has happened to her?

You talk like a man who is willing to play around. You don't even know that it is wrong to describe a woman as 'marga'. You are just full of yourself. Jamaican women are not fools. They are much smarter than you think.

By the way, you are offering me money. Thanks, but no thanks. I can do without your money. I work and earn my daily bread. Take your money and go back to school and make sure you take a course in ethics. I wish you well.

Pastor