Dear Pastor,

I am having a problem. I am a Christian. my future husband is studying to be a pastor. Most of his time is taken up by studies, so during the week we don't see each other much, but we text a lot.

His denomination is very strict. He has to give account of his time. They do not know he has a girlfriend. He is on his last year in school. The bishop has been telling him he needs to find a woman to marry before they consider ordaining him.

We are not from the same denomination, but I am the woman he loves. In his church, they prefer their leaders to marry women from that denomination, but he has not seen anybod.

The bishop told him he will look around, try to help him find a wife. he said he will leave the church if they try to force him.

Is it right for them to put pressure on him? My mother suggested I should join the church, but I don't believe I should join the church just to marry him. people will say that I came there to get him. I told him he should have let the bishop know we are friends.

I told him to take me to meet his bishop, but he is reluctant in doing so, so I would like to hear from you.

M.T.

Dear M.T.,

I know you might be surprised at my comments, but I am going to give them, nevertheless.

I understand why the leader of your boyfriend's denomination suggested he should marry a woman who grew up in the denomination, or has been at the church for a long time. The bishop is trying to avoid conflict. Sometimes when a pastor marries someone from outside, the denomination, the woman takes a long time to adjust to that church, to understand the fundamental doctrines of the church. She might not be able to give her husband the type of support he needs.

It is not unusual to hear pastors wives making unfortunate comments about the rules of the church, declaring, 'I am not so and so' or 'I don't belong to this church, I am only here because of my husband'.

Tell the bishop

A wise woman would try to learn as much as possible before she marries the leader of another church. If your boyfriend loves you, he should tell his bishop, and both of you go to see him. The bishop is trying to give your boyfriend the best advice possible to help him in the ministry.

Let me put it straight to you. It is better for a Seventh-day Adventist pastor to marry a Seventh-day Adventist woman. It is better for a Pentecostal preacher to marry a Pentecostal woman.

Some denominations are so similar that it does not make a difference. A Baptist preacher might feel very comfortable marrying a Methodist or Moravian woman, and live in harmony. No big thing.

Think about a Jehovah's Witness marrying a Pentecostal or a member of the Roman Catholic Church. That can be a big problem because the doctrines are vastly different.

So, please, try and understand the dilemma your boyfriend is facing. try to work together, see the bishop. The bishop ought not to choose for your boyfriend.

Nevertheless, your boyfriend should be willing to be guided. Please do not join his church because you love him and want to become his wife. That is not a good reason to become a member of a church.

Pastor