With Shelly-Ann Weeks

Sexual compatibility is very important to the success of intimate relationships. With divorce rates passing the 50 per cent mark, sexual incompatibility is among the top reasons couples call it quits.

Traditionally, a lot of importance is not placed on the sexual relationship of a couple, instead, most of the focus is placed on the external duties and the overall family. This approach, while practical for the family survival, is not very effective in maintaining the intimacy in the relationship. Many couples eventually end up in a sexless existence after both parties have stopped trying to keep the spark.

One main type of sexual incompatibility that many couples experience is mismatched libido. Mismatched libido is basically when one partner is more interested in sex than the other one. I have personally been asked: What is the normal amount of sex that a couple should have? Of course, there is no perfect formula since every couple is different and have different opinions about sex in their relationship. Individuals are different and so are their needs. So one partner wanting sex more than the other is a very common occurrence.

There are several factors that can cause disinterest in sex: from prior sexual abuse to a simple lack of interest, even the way we are socialised can affect the libido. But what can a couple with mismatched libidos do to increase the intimacy in their relationship without stepping outside of the relationship?

1. Talk to each other. It is important that both parties speak openly with each other about their sexual needs. Too many persons choose not to engage because they are uncomfortable, but it is a necessary conversation. One way to get the conversation started is for both parties to make a list of their preferences, exchange the list and compare notes.

2. Don't limit your sexual experiences to only the things you like. Be open to explore something new with your partner. Many persons have made the decision to not participate in certain activities without even finding out more about them, or trying it. Select what the new activity is, and decide how you want to try it as a couple.

3. Don't wait until you are in the mood. Be open to seduction. Not being in the mood is not a permanent situation, it can change. Learn what your partner likes and be prepared to seduce him/her and be patient if the response takes longer to achieve.

4. Schedule it. With the busy lifestyle that most persons have, sometimes it's hard to find the time for intimacy. Set your date night and put it in your schedule. It's not very spontaneous, but sometimes it's not possible to be unpredictable. Treat your appointment like an emergency and schedule everything around it.

Fortunately, having mismatched libidos is a fixable problem, but both parties in the relationship need to be open to working on it. Part of being in a relationship means that you have to work on your intimacy, it is not automatic so get cracking. Have fun and stay sexy.

Send your questions or comments to sexychatwithshelly@gmail.com or Tweet me @drsexylive or Facebook www.facebook.com/allaboutthesexy

Mismatched libidos

Question

Dear Dr Sexy,

I have been reading about role play and it sounds really fun. However, I am not sure how my boyfriend will respond when I try to introduce it to him. Any suggestions?

Tracy, Portmore

Dear Tracy,

It's not always easy to introduce something new to your partner. Role play can be fun, so make it fun for him. If he enjoys that, he will be open to trying more things. Dress up like a cheerleader and really cheer him on whenever he does something you like.

Have fun and stay sexy,

Dr Sexy