Hello Reverend Dunbar, I read your column in THE STAR, last Tuesday, August 25.

This September, if it's God's will, my husband and I will be celebrating our fourth anniversary. For most of my marriage, I've been sad and frustrated. My husband says things to hurt my feelings, I'm not saying I'm perfect. Yes, I make mistakes. However, the other day I said something while his friend and I were talking, not about our marriage. His friend and I were making conversation, job-related. I made a comment and he was offended.

Really hurt

He said things that really hurt me to my heart. I left the house for a while that night. I didn't return until after midnight. I sat in the sofa for a while and heard him making remarks about me, not knowing I was there.

He called me a 'whoring' gal, said how big underneath me was and how he should've kicked me in my face.

I moved out of our room with my children. I have three children, two of them are his.

I'm now staying in another room with my children. I confronted him and he only apologised when I apologised for saying things to hurt him. I will never feel comfortable having sex with this man, ever again, only if he gives his life to God.

I'm a Christian but my husband is not saved. I got married before I gave my life to God. This marriage is really stressing me as our sex life has been almost dormant because he complains about issues that he has and there's hardly any good communication.

I stood by him, through thick and thin, but I just feel my cup has overflowed. I am 24 and my husband 54. Please give me your advice. Thank you, Reverend. may God continue to bless you and your family.

Hurting wife

Dear Hurting wife,

Though I am sorry to hear of your plight, I congratulate you on your fourth anniversary. Marriage is never a walk in the park.Words do have the potential to hurt, whether spoken directly or overheard.

Yourself and your husband are suffering the brunt of being on the receiving end of unintentional, unkind utterings not meant to be received.

Your husband's pride and insecurity may have been affected by your conversation or the fact that you were conversing amicably with another man. He defended his feelings by saying unkind things. However, I am happy you both apologised.

The problems you have highlighted point to the fact that there are underlying issues affecting your relationship which, over time, have not been discussed, one being the reason behind the infrequency and lack-lustre of your sex life, as well as the absence of proper communication.

Your hubby may be experiencing sexual-related challenges, as some men his age do, and finds it difficult to relate to you because this such a sensitive issue to men, so he finds another way to deal with this by attacking your sexuality.

This, of course, is wrong as he is responsible for his actions. I urge you not to scorn him by moving out. this will only make him more insecure. You may have to try affirming him more, though it's hard in the climate of your relationship.

One hand cannot clap. I suggest you both seek the tangible help of a counselling therapist to help intercept and deal with this and other related matters. Continue being proactive and make this very necessary appointment now.

Reverend Carla Dunbar is a Marriage & Family Counsellor. We invite you to write to her for advice, or to give your comment on any topics discussed. Contact Rev Carla Dunbar at carladunbarministries@gmail.com.