Dear Pastor,

I am asking for help and advice. I am 30. My girlfriend is 35. She has two children but broke up with the father. He accused her of cheating. She said he was too jealous and she had never cheated on him.

Because of him, she lost her job. He beat her. She couldn't go to work for three days. Her face was black and blue and her boss fired her. The last time he hit her she moved out of the house. She had problems paying her rent.

I had admired her a long time so I paid it for her. I found myself having to buy her food and take care of her doctor bills. I had to pay my own rent so we decided to live together. My place was too small. I only had one room. She had two bedrooms. I moved in with her. The children's father didn't give her any money, so all that was on my hand.

She doesn't like to have sex. Can you imagine, when I want, to have sex, one of the children was on the bed with us? I told her that should not happen. One night I wanted to have sex with but her daughter was on the bed. the daughter was seven years old. I told her to lift the daughter and take her to bed, but she refused.

Another night, I was trying to make love to her. Her little son came into the room and started beating me on my back, telling me to leave mommy. We were not having sex but I was on her. I told her we should lock our door at nights, but she said no.

I love to have sex. I was having it more often when I was living alone. I could take any woman to my house. Since living with this woman, I don't play around with other women. Not that I can't but I don't want to because I love her. Do you think she loves me? She has never told me she loves me. She said she cares for me. She does not like sex and doesn't like to kiss. I am confused. Sometimes I feel depressed.

What should I do?

C.D

Dear C.D.,

I don't need to comment on the abuse this woman suffered by her children's father. What I suggest should happen is she should take this man to court for child support. They have separated but that does not mean he should not support his children. He should be forced to support them if he will not do it voluntarily.

Concerning the relationship you are having with her, you said she does not like to have sex. Perhaps what she doesn't like is sex with you and will do anything to avoid it.

She allows one of the children to sleep on the same bed. That is not uncommon among some couples but when the children fall asleep they take them to their own beds. She is not willing to do so.

I could understand why she does not want to close the room door, but if you are making love the door should be locked to avoid children coming in suddenly. You are not happy in this relationship. Part of it is because you do not believe this woman really loves you. You have suddenly found yourself supporting a woman and her children. It is not something you had planned for. You do not believe this woman appreciates what you are doing.

She needs a job. At least that would take some of the pressure off you. You also need to consider whether you are ready for the kind of responsibility you have taken on yourself. This woman sees you as her provider, but not necessarily her lover. Perhaps as soon as she can support herself and is in a better position, she will ask you to leave. I hope I am wrong but that's how it appears to be right now.

I suggest you ask her whether she is willing to see a counsellor. If she says no, the relationship will not last.

Pastor