Dear Pastor,

I am 30 and my boyfriend is 33. Both of us have been living together for five years. My mother was never married but I have known her to have two different men. Both of them used to treat her very bad. The first one was my father. He had lots of women and my mother would just cry. She loved him so much. He got a girl pregnant and he left my mother and went to live with the other woman.

The second man didn't want to work. He was in and out of jobs and my mother paid all the bills and fed him. I didn't like him. He used to watch me and one day I was in the outside bathroom and I caught him peeping at me. When I was finished bathing, I cursed him and my mother told me to behave and stop saying those things, but I did not stop. I told him he would never get my 'cherry', so he could peep as much as he wanted. My mother didn't like what I said and told me to apologise. I did not.

Have to apologise

I left home and went to stay with my uncle. I was there for two weeks then my uncle took me home and told my mother that she can't take up for a man over her daughter; and if I have to apologise to the man he would keep me permanently. My mother backed down. I went to university through student loan and worked part-time.

Now, I am living with this man, but when I saw what men did to my mother, I told myself that would never happen to me. My boyfriend has to share the bills with me. We go half and half. I have a car and I don't allow him to drive it without him putting gas in it.

Pastor, I made sure I bought my own bed, dresser, stove and refrigerator so that I could always move out and leave him. I have never cheated on him, but I suspect that he has cheated on me. Whenever I ask him if he cheated, he could never look at me and say no. I love him but not enough to marry him. I am giving myself another year to see if I would make up my mind either to leave him or marry him.

What do you say?

G.M.

Dear G.M.,

My suggestion is that you and this man go to see a family counsellor. Both of you are living together but the love is not very strong. However, I must say to you that he seems to be a responsible man because he is willing to go half and half with you in paying bills. Some men would always make excuses for not paying their share. You are a wise, young woman. You are not willing for a man to use your car anytime he pleases without helping with the maintenance of it.

I do not believe that you should be thinking of ending the relationship with this man. You believe that he has cheated on you but you are not sure, so discuss the future with him and try to get him to agree for both of you to see a family counsellor.

Pastor