Dear Pastor,

Special greetings to you and staff. I reside in the US and read your column online. I have observed some of the things people write to you about, though serious, tend to draw humour. Pastor, here is the theme of my letter. When I was growing up in Jamaica a man told me, "If a man is too nice to a woman it tends to generate a counter effect."

What he told me, at the time, did not make much sense. As I started the journey on my personal relationships I have tested this theory for its merit.

Pastor, here is an illustration: I had this girlfriend. Throughout the years of our relationship there was almost nothing in the world I would not do for her.

One day she was ill so she called me to assist her. While I was at her apartment assisting her, she made a profound ungrateful remark. I did not respond though my feelings were hurt.

A few days later she called me by phone, requesting my assistance. I allowed her to do all the talking while I remained silent. She realised I was mad at her, so she began to cry and plead but I was not moved by her tears. As a result of her conduct, she never heard from or saw me again.

I had another woman. Our relationship lasted over ten years. During our relationship. I was her bridge over troubled waters when she had no one to turn to. In the end she was not afraid to demonstrate her ingratitude.

Pastor, here is the contrast I am drawing. Other females who I have treated just okay, even when our relationships were long over, would track me down to reignite our relationship. I am not a lone observer in this matter. Other men have shared similar sentiments. Women are not particularly attracted to men who are too nice. They see them as weak. Anything that comes too easily does not sustain a premium.

In conclusion, I must emphasise I am not advocating that women should be treated badly or abused. What I am trying to say is, love is like medicine. It can do good as well as harm, if it is not dispensed within reasonable proportion.

N.F

Dear N.F,

Love cannot do harm. It seems to me, by your comments, that you have never truly experienced genuine love and are thin-skin. I am wondering whether you were expecting the women you described as ungrateful to wash your feet and drink the water. Why would a comment you consider to be ungrateful cause you to walk away and establish a new relationship which lasted 10 years. After 10 years you found this woman to be no good, so you moved on. Something has to be wrong, not necessarily with the women but with you.

You have been running here and everywhere (judging by your letter). You expect women to treat you as king. Whenever they make a mistake you sulk and move on.

I tell you this my friend, if you had experienced genuine love with any of these women and something went wrong, even if you felt hurt you would have tried to find solutions, perhaps by going to a counsellor to resolve the problems between the woman and yourself.

I am sure you don't know anything about true love because true love is not given in proportion like medicine.

When a man is in love, he gives all of himself to the woman. When a woman is in love with a man, she gives all. You need to learn to love. I sense, in your letter, selfishness and false pride.

Pastor