Dear Pastor,

I am 23 and I have been having a relationship with a man from I was 18. This man was a good friend of my mother. He used to come around and assist her whenever she needed help - like doing the plumbing. We had a regular gardener but this guy was free to go through our home and do minor repairs. I found out by the way he was treating me that he liked me. He was twenty-three years old at the time and he was doing electrical work.

One day something went wrong with the plug in my room and my mother told him to check on it. I was in the room and he pushed the door and came in and I was just in my panties and no bra. And he said to me he was sorry but he liked what he saw and I laughed. From that day, I began to have feelings for him but I was afraid of my mother. When I had the chance to tell him, I did and he said he had feelings for me too, but he wouldn't want my mother to hate him or to stop calling him when she needed him.

My mother is a civil servant and she has only two of us, one boy and one girl. My brother is younger than I. Whenever he comes home he would just drop his bag and change his clothes and go on the field to play football. One of my aunts lives three houses down from our home. I did not grow up with a father. My mother hated him because he did not marry her and he promised that's what he was going to do. I used to text the guy and so we texted each other and decided to meet at a restaurant. He gave me a gift but I was nervous.

We planned for him to come to the house one day when my mother had to go to meet with some students because she was doing her degree. And so this guy came to the house and we made love; he took my virginity. It was very painful, but from that day I have never had sex with another man.

We kept our relationship as a secret, but when I became 20 I told my mother about him. And pastor, she told me no way would she allow that man and me to have a relationship. I told her that we are already having a relationship. She said, "How can you, a university- trained person, love a handyman"? However, he is not just a handyman, pastor. He is doing his own business. It was only when I threatened to leave that my mother backed off and told me I cannot leave my brother, and I reminded her that it was not right for her to tell me the type of man I should love.

My mother does not want my boyfriend to come to the house any more. If anything needs to be fixed she gets on the phone and call a workman from a company. I love my boyfriend. He promised me that he would go back to school. He wants us to get married but I know that my mother would not attend the wedding. My aunt told my mother to leave me alone, but she said that she would not sit at the same table with this man and me as family.

Every time his name is called my mother grumbles, so my boyfriend and I are planning to go to America and get married and when we come back I will move in with him. He has a comfortable place but it is not in a good area. That is my only problem.

Kindly give me your advice.

T.H.

Dear T.H.,

Your mother is making a big mistake and I hope that somebody like your aunt or a near relative would be able, in a very calm way, to tell her to leave you alone and to accept this man as her son-in-law. Before this man and you fell in love, she thought highly of him and trusted him. But now that he is in love with you, she believes that he is not good enough to be a part of the family.

My dear, you have done well. You are a university graduate. I am assuming that you have a job. Your man and yourself want to get married. You would love for your mother to accept him and attend your wedding. But if she chooses not to attend your wedding, go ahead and get married. You don't have to go to America to get married. You can get married right here in Jamaica. Perhaps you may shed some tears if your mother does not attend, but make sure you invite her to the wedding. I wish you well. Let me hear from you again.

Pastor