I was recently a part of a conversation that spoke about the importance of passion/sex and intimacy in a relationship. In that discussion, my counterparts were telling me that these are elements that I have to understand that they will eventually end and the relationship has to survive without them. This is an argument that I refuse to accept, and I said as much. It is my belief that passion and intimacy are integral to the success of relationships and even though they can survive without them - I don't want to just survive my relationship. I want to be happy in it, motivated by it and actually enjoy being intimate with my partner.

Obviously, I am not the only one who feels this way since the top two reasons for divorce are issues with sex or money. Now I know there are couples who for religious reasons choose to save their physical expression until after they get married, and for the purpose of this conversation, I am not including these couples.

So how important is sex to your relationship? Very important - think of it this way, the only difference between your close friends and your partner is - you have sex with your partner. So without the sex, you are just close friends. Many of these unions start off very passionately, with great sex and as the relationship gets more serious the sex tends to taper off and the passion is eventually lost.

This doesn't have to be the case, but here are some reasons why some couples end up in a sexless relationship:

Busy schedules

We live in a fast-paced world and everyone has high demands on their time. This makes it easy to put certain things on the back-burner like sex and intimacy so the relationship eventually suffers.

Unmatched libidos

It can be frustrating when one person is in the mood for sex and the other isn't. So it can put a strain on the relationship because needs are going unfulfilled

Stress - With stressful jobs it's sometimes hard to unplug and not take the job home. Other stress elements can make the body shut down in more ways than one.

Kids

After having children, it's not easy for some couples to get back their sexy grove. Sometimes, in an effort to not expose their children to sex, some couples take it to the extreme of neglecting their own sexual needs.

Self-image issues

As we get older our bodies change and we may not feel as confident as we start to lose hormones (25 per cent of men over 30 have low testosterone) and it affects how we feel about ourselves negatively.

Even with some of these factors, all is not lost and something can be done about the sexless relationship. Here are some suggestions:

Find the time

Having a busy schedule is no excuse, people will always find time for the things that matter so if you have to schedule it, find the time.

Get in the mood

You don't have to wait until your partner is in the mood for sex, learn how to seduce him/her.

De-stress activities - Engage in activities that help to reduce stress - exercise, leisure, vacation - this is not only vital for your sex life, it will improve your health overall.

Make use of the extended family

Teach your children that mommy and daddy need adult time so they can appreciate that from a young age. Also send them to stay with the extended family so you can have some time alone. When they leave, get your sexy on - all over the house, even in their room.

Work on you self-confidence

The great thing about 2015 is that there are several things available to help us feel better about ourselves. Go to a seminar, start exercising, join a club - the activity doesn't matter as long as it works.

Whether you like it or not, sex is an important part of happy relationships and you need to actively work to make it better. There is no automatic button in relationships and you will get out what you put in, so get cracking and put the sexy in your sex life.

Send your questions or comments to sexychatwithshelly@gmail.com or Tweet me @drsexylive or Facebook www.facebook.com/allaboutthesexy

Question

Dear Dr Sexy,

I don't feel very attractive. I gained a lot of weight with my last child and my body doesn't even feel like mine. I don't want to buy new clothes because I plan to lose the weight. What can I do? I don't want my husband to even look at me because I'm fat. Help me before he starts sleeping with someone else.

Patricia, Hope Pastures

Dear Patricia,

I know you are concerned about how your husband feels but let me start with you. You need to start by buying clothes that fit the body that you have now. That includes lingerie to shoes. I know that your body has changed, but you need to appreciate the one you have now while you work on it. Stand naked in front of the mirror and instead of focusing on your faults, look at the things you like about it. The better you feel about your body, the more confident you will feel and don't be so hard on your husband I am sure he is not as turned off as you think. If you feel good, he will find that very attractive.

Good luck