I have been talking a lot about marriage lately, mostly due to my girlfriend's recent wedding. A close friend of mine has always expressed how much she wants to be a bride. For as long as I know her she talks about all the details of her impending nuptials. She knows everything that she wants at her wedding, from the dress to the centrepieces.

The only problem is she can never seem to find a man who wants to marry her. Now, this friend comes to mind because she has always said to me that she will be happy when she gets married. This statement has always disturbed me because I know that she is setting herself up for failure if she puts her happiness in the hands of her non-existent husband.

Fairy-Tale Princesses

Thanks to storybooks and Disney movies, little girls are taught that they should grow up and find a "good man" to marry them and they will live happily ever after. A lot of conversation focus on the wedding - the dress, venue, food, guests - but very little attention is given to the marriage. So that leaves a lot of women who look forward to being a bride, but not really sure how to be a wife.

Unanswered Questions

One of the biggest issues I identify with many modern marriages is that there really isn't any preparations for the marriage itself. A long time is spent planning the wedding, in some cases the preparations can take years. On the flip side, the couple will go to counselling with a spiritual leader for a few months - if they go at all (not all weddings are religious). Almost 50 per cent of marriages end in divorce and not all of the couples that stay married are happy. So what does that say about the institution? I personally believe that the couple needs to address certain issues before they start planning the wedding.

Here are a few questions that I think they should have answered before the marriage:

1. Where will you live?

2. What are your roles in the house?

3. Do you want to have children? If so, how many? When do you want to start?

4. How important is religion in your relationship? If you have different religions, are you willing to convert?

5. How are you going to work out the finances? What will be your budgets - household, leisure, saving?

6. Are you open to migrating if your spouse's job demands it?

7. How involved is your family in your relationship? Do you run to your mother every time you have a disagreement with your partner?

8. How much sex do you require? What if you have mismatched libidos?

9. What kind of lifestyle do you want? Do you want to go on vacation annually? Can you afford this lifestyle?

It is clear there are other issues to work out, but my point overall is that instead of spending years planning the wedding (which is just an event); the real effort should go into planning the marriage. Many of the issues identified in the questions are usually dealt with when the issue arises. I think that with the right planning, some of these details can be worked out.

Send your questions or comments to sexychatwithshelly@gmail.com or Tweet me @drsexylive or Facebook www.facebook.com/allaboutthesexy.

Question

Dear Dr Sexy,

I recently met a man and I think he is so great. He has the whole package - a charming demeanour, great looks and sexy body, I can't help but fall head over heels in love with him. The only issue is he's married. I know there is no real future for us and he says he is not that happy with his wife anyway. I want him to leave her for me, but I am afraid of saying that to him. What should I do?

Simone, Portland

Dear Simone,

Now I am not going to sit here on my high horse and judge you for her relationship by telling you about adultery and all the moral and other issues with it. The truth is companionship is hard to find especially in the shallow, money grubbing society we live in today. What I will say to you is to not invest too much into this relationship because it is not a long-term solution and definitely use a condom! Keep your options open and date other people, he cannot commit to you so don't be so available to him.

Good luck,

Dr Sexy-Ann