should i forgive him?

I am writing to you because I want you to help me make an important decision. I am 27 and have been married for two years. Up until the time I got married I was a virgin. I never allowed any man to touch my privates, part or to have sex with me. Before my husband and I got married, he begged me to let him see me naked and I told him no. He said his friends would laugh at him if they knew that he was buying 'puss in bag'. I told him I was not a puss.

My husband was a street boy before he came into the church and met me. He said he went with a lot of women, including prostitutes. I did not let that bother me because he said he had changed. Although we did not know each other for long I got to love him and he was very kind to me, but when it came to sex he was very rough. When we had sex for the first time I thought I was going to die. It took about four days for us to try it again. I was so messed up.

Sometimes I tell my husband that we are not good for each other. This man loves the doggy position and I don't feel that it is right for me, a Christian, to engage in this position, but because he likes it and would make a big fuss, I try to meet his needs. My husband is giving me a hard time.

We are living not far away from his parents. One day, my husband told me that he wasn't feeling well so he was going home from work. I became concerned. I left work early. When I got home the radio was turned up high. When I got in, I was surprised that my husband did not hear me nor did the lady who was doing day's work. Would you believe that I caught my husband and the helper having sex? And my husband was doing the doggy position with her.

Pastor, this woman is about 15 years older than my husband. When he jumped off the woman was still in the position, as if she could not move. All she could say to me was my husband always begged her for sex so she decided to give it to him.

I don't know if I can forgive my husband, pastor, because he was not even using a condom. This woman asked me to forgive her. I prefer to forgive her than to forgive my husband. She is a good day's worker and I accepted her explanation.

How could I ever forgive this man? He says I complain too much about sex. I am so confused.

T.O.

Dear T.O.,

What I am quite willing to tell you is that your husband and yourself should go and see a family counsellor without delay. You are very angry and disappointed in your husband and I can understand why you are reluctant in forgiving him. You said that he was a street guy and that he has been with many women.

I am trying to deal with your case in my mind and I am asking myself whether this man loves the doggy style so much that he had to cheat with a much older woman who was willing to do it. Could it be that he said in his mind, "Ok, my wife is not willing to do this position but I am glad that the day's helper is willing to do so with me"?

This day's worker has really let you down. She should have been able to resist your husband. I suppose that he offered her certain benefits that she felt difficult to resist. I am not going to insist that you stay with your husband. What I need to tell you is that you should not blame yourself for what your husband has done. I hope your husband will not say that sex life with you is boring, and that is why he went to the day's worker. If the sex is boring both of you can still learn how to spice it up by buying books to help you.

Pastor