Hey, look here nuh, Christmas is exactly eight days away you know! Yes, peeps, next week will be Christmas Eve and the big day will only be one day away. Well, guess what? the other day I was thinking and talking to myself about these numbers and all these days of Christmas. Yeah, man!

And I and my selves were wondering together how nice it would be, or not be, if somebody's true love really decided to send them the exact gift 'items' in similar cumulative numbers as in that 'Twelve Days of Christmas' song. Now you tell me, wouldn't that be one hellava Christmas bangarang?

Heh-heh-yah! No, mi nah laugh. You imagine it if you will. On the first day of [or after] Christmas, you wake up and realise yuh get a partridge in a pear tree! What would you do? Or as they ask in the hilarious hidden-camera gags on the Ity and Fancy Cat show, 'how would you react?'

Me, if I have space to accommodate it, I wouldn't mind that too much, especially if the pear tree is pear as in avocado. Not sure what I'd do with the partridge, though, but if it comes with the tree, I could live with it. The other nine birds that come the second and the fourth days, I know I wouldn't be keeping them. The two turtledoves on day two and the four calling birds on day four would be re-gifted to somebody who really loves birds. And the three French hens, well mi nah hide and talk, one would get stewed, one baked and one jerked! Rice and peas or baked potato inna dem kakka!

find myself broke

Of course, there'd be no complaint on day five. No, man, I would be the king of bling in my five gold rings. And if next year comes and I find myself broke, yu done know is 'cash for gold' to mi ting!

But when I get 13 more birds on day six and seven [the six geese that are laying and the seven swans that are swimming, I would immediately donate them to Hope Gardens, but I would also begin to start getting worried. Yes, peeps, I would have to have a little convo with my true love about a possible obsession with birds. And I would do it same time on day number seven, because it's after that day things really get crazy.

serious doubts

Why do I say crazy? Imagine day number eight, you get eight maids milking all at once. I don't care what or who dem milking; I'd be having none of that. No hyah, I'm lactose intolerant, so I would send them on their merry way back to my true love who I would now start to have serious doubts about.

And the doubts would increase incrementally on the ninth day when the nine dancing ladies arrive. I would start to get the feeling that maybe my true love is putting me through a test, so mi a send dem back. But ahm, well, not exactly right away.

No, man, hear what I would do. First I would wait until day 10 and get rid of the 10 lords who nuh stop leap by recommending them to the Jamaican athletic team as long jumpers, high jumpers and hurdlers. And you see the 11 pipers and 12 drummers who come day 11 and 12, I would ask them to stay and play pipe and drums while I party with the nine ladies.

And look here nuh - when it comes to party, mi nuh play; mi tend to lose myself and let it all hang out, come what may.

So imagine now, if somebody posts the party details on Facebook, instagram and twitter! You know say my true love going to end up regretting that 12 days of Christmas gift-giving idea. And I could end up getting 24 hours of stress every day for another 365 days!

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