Dear Pastor,

Please help. I am married to a Jamaican man but I am from the UK. We have been together for 10 years. He has never been faithful. I helped him and gave him a roof over his head. I keep forgiving him and he promised never to be unfaithful again. I help him to pay his bills, especially his car insurance, light bills etc.

I thought he wanted a good life. My children in the UK think everything is good and that he is a nice man, who doesn't hit women. I don't want them to know the truth because they respect him. He wants us to stay with together and not get divorced. He doesn't want me to spend my money, except on him, yet I never get any support from him. He does not give me money. I support myself and assist him, too.

He doesn't show me any love. He is full of revenge because his mother did not apply for him to get residency in the UK. I went to the UK and visited my children for a few months. When I was there I had business to attend to.

I would call him, but most of the times I couldn't reach him. He hardly called me. Anyway I shipped my things over to Jamiaca to make a life with him there. He kept saying I should come home to to live. He promised he would take care of me. Now that I am here, he can't do anything to help me.

Now, he is telling me that he has a son with a woman. The baby is nine months old. He also registered the child in our married name. I am now thinking of going back to the UK. He cried and kept saying I should forgive him, and make our marriage work. I found everything very hard to accept. How can I tell my older children this? I need your advice.

He has agreed for us to go to counselling before I make up my mind to leave him or stay. He said he is not seeing the other woman. He sends money for the child with her cousin. I heard him arguing, and telling her he told her he was married and has a child with his wife. I think he is a messed-up man.

I get no support from him, yet he has to support a child out there. I am now thinking to stop spending my money to help him. He does nothing to our home. I need to feel wanted and loved. Please give me your advice. I even came to have a marriage vow. I won't do it now. I feel so ashamed. Thank you.

Y.H

Dear Y.H,

What you have at home is not a husband. You have a grown-up child who is being supported by you. He has no pride and thinks only of himself. His main reason for wanting you to stay with him is for him to continue to bleed you. He is going to suck you dry if you do not put plans in place to leave him.

He is shedding crocodile tears and it seems, to me, that you are tempted to believe that he is going to change. If this man really loved you and believed he had to cheat, he would have protected himself. Don't believe this man. It is likely he thinks he can do anything and get away with it because his wife is going to accept anything he does.

He encouraged you to come home. Now that you are at home with him, he is not even able to buy you a soft drink. From where does he get money to give to his child's mother? Is he taking your money to give her? Remember, your husband and this woman will always have to be in touch with each other from the sake of the child. It is likely that as soon as he believes that you have accepted what he has done as a big mistake, he will find ways of meeting her.

You will have to make your own decision, lady. This relationship is not good. Your husband is not progressive. Tell your children about his outside child. Tell them about the plans you have and ask them for their suggestions. Whatever you want to do, do it quickly.

Pastor