Dear Pastor,

I am 31 and have been in a relationship for two years with a man who is also 31. It is my first relationship since I became an adult. My last relationship was 17 years ago. We have been friends since I was 16, and we always walked home from church and other places together, but I always believed he was younger than I, so I was never interested in a relationship. However, two summers ago, I initiated a relationship with him. He said he was not ready for a committed relationship. However, we remained friends and we are now together.

There have been lots of ups and downs. Most of it stems from communication issues. I think we are intellectually incompatible as I have completed both college and university and his highest level of education is primary school. He does not read well. I did not know these things before because he speaks well and his language is very mature. He takes things a bit too literally and he says some simple things at times that I find frustrating. When I tell him they are simple, he says I do not respect his opinions and he becomes defensive. He will then start to blame me for speaking to him as a student or he will claim that I do not allow him to complete his statements. He will then withdraw emotionally.

He is caring, helpful, loyal, and respectful. He is someone I can always depend on. He is someone I trust. He is someone I love and hope to marry someday. However, this kind of behaviour hurts my confidence in him. I have told him this repeatedly. Most of the times when he does this all he is trying to do is find an escape route because I have cornered him in some illogical argument.

What can I do to solve this problem apart from leaving?

Unnamed

Dear Unnamed,

The best suggestion that I can think of giving to you is to encourage this man to go back to school. He is aware of his limitations so he feels that you do not respect him as a person or his opinions. In other words, every time he speaks, he believes that you consider what he says as foolishness. Therefore, if you believe that you really love this man and both of you can develop a very serious relationship, the best contribution to make right now is to encourage him to return to school.

If this young man is not interested in going to school, you should not go any further in this relationship because it will not work. He would be an embarrassment to you. I think you are already seeing that. Nothing is wrong if a woman decides to step down and not marry a man who is her equal, but that man should be ambitious, hard working, and willing to learn. Already, you and this young man are not communicating well and communication is the key to a happy relationship.

Pastor