Dear Readers,

MC, a middle-age woman from St Catherine, recently divorced after 13 years of separation. Her husband moved on with his new woman and two children. They had no children together.

It was this strong Christian feeling for family, which made her eventually divorce her husband, who had not pushed her for this action. MC hopes he will now commit himself properly to that new family.

Having made up her mind to divorce, MC was shocked at her feelings when she was informed that she was now legally divorced. She recounted that when she heard the news, instead of jubilation, she laid down and cried.

She felt empty, alone, ashamed, embarrassed and afraid. She felt okay before actually hearing of the divorce and thought she would feel a 'yeah', but that feeling still has not materialised. Instead, the knowledge that she was no longer married filled her with a depressed feeling and she asked herself, 'what next?'

She wonders if the break-up, after his outside relationship occurred, was her fault and she remains filled with mixed feelings.

Without a doubt, coping with divorce can be one of the most challenging experiences an individual may encounter in a life-time of events. The pain and grief experienced rivals that of coping with the death of a loved one. Life goes on but the issue is continuing as a whole person, without holding on to bitterness and baggage which surrounds such an occurrence.

emotions after divorce

No one gets married planning on a divorce scenario. Even if the divorce was an outcome which an individual favours, it still represents a loss. Whatever the experience during the marriage, and subsequent divorce, a divorce still represents a loss which will result in some manifestation of grief. This often also occurs even when the outcome resulting in divorce is desirable.

Having gone through the divorce, with legal and financial issues, now it's time to deal with emotional 'healing'. It is normal to experience mixed feelings after a divorce. Self-doubt, anger, confusion, uncertainty and even moments of relief are commonly experienced. A new life has to be built. In many instances it is even normal to still feel love towards the now ex-spouse.

Emotions usually take time to adjust. Divorce in long-standing, committed relationships, the person who is now 'ex', is someone who participated in an until-death-us-do-part vow.

positive life changes

Divorce is painful and there is no quick fix. Instead, the experience should be used for further self-growth and a maturing associated with healing. Work through anger and resentment, but let go of bitterness which only holds back healing and getting on with living life. Instead, utilise anger to help motivate positive life changes.

In divorce, self-esteem suffers. People ask, 'What was wrong with me?', 'why am I not

lovable?', 'Am I unattractive?' 'Will people think less of me?'

With the break-up, friendships sometimes change and the person might feel isolated and depressed.

Fight depression, which is the root of these feelings! Have a plan to help with moving forward positively.

OUTLINE A PLAN

Find your support group in friends, family, church, and/or get counselling.

Make one new life promise each week, which will improve your life. Attend church, exercise regularly, eat nutritious foods, spend more time with children or parents, etc.

Accept that life is a challenge, always, just more so at times. See challenges in front of you as opportunities for growth in faith and character, an opportunity to develop new skills.

Accept that you are divorced.

Open up to people you trust. Let them help, share experiences, give advice and cry and laugh with you.

Get more deeply involved in the lives of children, if there are any .Get support from teachers and even paediatricians'.

Redefine yourself. You are no longer a part of a couple. Grow to accept this more each day. This can be difficult. Being a part of a couple is often tied with feelings of security.

Speak respectfully of your ex-spouse in front of your children.

Encourage the ex to remain involved in shared child care (where violence is not an issue).

Take up new hobbies and activities and grow. Plant a garden and work on it daily.

Minimise the impact of the divorce on the children for they will suffer, also, and can suffer with behavioral problems if they have to deal with your grief as well as their own. Don't ask children to take sides in any dispute.

Let yourself mourn.

Work through your feelings and believe in your own worth.

Learn to like yourself even more than ever before, or become someone likeable.

Give yourself time to heal. After the death of a marriage and the loss of a spouse, grieve, and then heal.

Get on with your life with even baby steps at first. This is good. Don't lie about in bed lamenting. Get up, go out and greet the world, which is still right here with all new opportunities waiting for you to get involved with!

Believe in yourself. As the saying goes, 'Belief kills and belief cures'. Believe you can and will heal! Be kind and patient with yourself.

MC, please, get on with it! Life happens and there will be good and bad experiences. Use them for personal growth and be strong.

Write to: Lifeline, PO BOX 1731,

KGN 8

AJM