Dear Pastor,

My life is such a mess. My husband keeps cheating for no good reason. I am independent and hard-working. I have three children with my husband, who I love to death, but he keeps cheating. He now has a child outside, who he stupidly got with a woman who believes she can have him for herself, but it didn't work in her favour. She does not take birth control and does not want him to wear a condom. My husband has told me this much.

My husband has an idea that this child might not be his, but claims to be the sort of man who believes he is doing the right thing owning up to the child.

He supports child and mother, just as he does me and my children. They get the same amount of cash as we do.

He pays a lot of attention to that child more than he does ours. He showers the child with gifts. My important dates are never remembered. He visits her often, even though he may not sleep at her house at nights. This is because she has another man living there. How can he be so stupid? Am I too humble?

My previous relationships were similar and I had to put up with so much. I thought this was the right one. I am back to the drawing board. My only problem is I am married to this man and love him too.

My children do not want me to leave their father, but that is because they do not know how much I am hurting. He claims he loves me too and will stop cheating to make me happy. How does that work?

With his type of job, I do not know what happens at nights while I am home, that makes things worse. I can never get him when I call early mornings and want to talk. He gives me all kinds of excuses about the phone and his locations.

I have tried to stop thinking about his nasty ways and I have asked him to go to church with me, but there is never a time when he is available. It's always work, work and more work. He never takes me or the kids to places unless he wants to show them off to his friends and mistress. What more can I do? Please, help me.

Stressed

Dear Stressed,

Apart from cheating, this man must be very special to you. His cheating has been going on for a long time. You claim it has been affecting you, but are still together.

You're a brave woman because he has told you he does not use the condom whenever he is having sex with this woman, who is living with a man. Aren't you afraid he may contract STIs and pass them on to you? He doesn't know whether the man she is living with is having unprotected sex with other women. You are a brave woman to be having unprotected sex with your husband.

It is not a question as to whether this man is cheating. He has not denied it. He is behaving as if he is not sure he had fathered the outside child he is supporting but, at the same time, he gives the woman the same amount of money he gives you for child support. You must be getting more from him because, at least, you have three children. If he is spending so much time with the child, where does he spend that amount of time?

You said the woman has a man and, yet, your husband spends lots of time at the house. Is the man she is living with impotent? Does he not know the woman continues to go to bed with your husband? Strange, indeed.

I believe that your husband has made up his mind to have more than one woman and is not afraid to let you know. He knows you are not going to leave him. You may talk as much as you want. Unless he comes home and sees an empty house, he will not believe you have left him.

You have a choice to make. You may continue to live an unhappy life with him or plan quietly to move and start a new life. You have my prayers.

Pastor