Dear Pastor,

I am a regular reader of your column. I am married and living with my husband. We have one daughter. My husband treats me well but I don't love him very much. I got married to him because both of us were in church and he was the group leader and I was singing on the choir. He was always in love with me and we were always playing around by having sex. We used to use the condom but on one occasion the condom broke and we were hoping that nothing would happen. But I missed my period and I told him and he said we should get married.

When I told my mother that we were planning to get married she asked me how so sudden and I told her that I missed my period. She said that I couldn't carry the baby so it was better for us to get married indeed. We got married but something is missing. He tries his best to love me. He gives me everything I want. I love his mother and he takes care of his mother.

I am working so I don't have to depend on my husband for everything. But, pastor, I am telling you a secret, I have fallen in love with a man who is my neighbour. Sometimes when he is outside cleaning his car I peep through my window and admire him. He has a lovely body and is always in shorts. I know he has a girlfriend because I see her going to his apartment. She is a nice looking girl and she drives a nice car but I can't get my mind off this man. When she sleeps with him I know because her car is always there and I feel so upset when I wake up in the morning and see her car there.

My husband does not know that I love this man and this man does not know that I love him but I am dying inside. I know that one day I will have to tell my husband the truth. I don't love him as a husband and I know that I am going to cheat. If it's not with my neighbour, it will be with some other man.

Please tell me what to do.

T.B

Dear T.B.,

When did you discover that you did not love your husband? Before both of you were married you loved him enough to have sex with him on many occasions. Were you fooling him then? If you didn't love him, why didn't you have the child but not marry him? I know some people are going to say that you should learn to love your husband, which is true. I suppose that is very difficult to do if your heart is not with the man you call your husband because true love is a matter of the heart.

I am not sure that you are in love with the gentleman who is your neighbour. I believe that what you could be experiencing is lust. You might be lusting at this young man and you interpret that to be love. You don't know anything about this man's character. You are looking at his physique and you call that love. Lust is purely physical. When people lust at each other the important thing to them is sex.

May I suggest that you try to be a good wife and to appreciate your husband? Stop lusting after your neighbour and encourage your husband to go with you to see a family counsellor. Of course, he is going to ask you why you feel that there is a need for both of you to go to a counsellor. You do not have to tell him that you are admiring your neighbour. You can tell him, however, that you believe that both of you need to find ways to strengthen your relationship.

Please do not give the neighbour any hint or any indication that you are lusting at him. I wish you well.

Pastor