Dear Pastor

I have been with my husband for 11 years. When he first asked me to marry him I was in my early 20s, and he asked me to marry him because he was deploying to Iraq and wanted to make more money (you do if you are a married soldier). As naive as I was, I went ahead with it. Pastor, in the same month we got married he cheated. I was pregnant with his daughter. It was after he came home a year later that I found out. He also came back wanting a divorce and cheated even more, plus he went to Jamaica to visit his father and did not even consider taking us with him.

During arguments in the past, he has even said to my face that if it were not for the deployment, he would not have married me. We are still together and still have arguments over him not taking me out, plus he constantly seems to be pushing me away. I love this man because he is an excellent father and provider. Other than that, I find myself growing out of love with him because of all the things that he has done to me.

I left him once and during that time I met someone totally different, but when my husband found out he begged me to come back, so I did. I am hurt because he calls me names, puts me down and have even raised his hand to hit me before, and it's like all the stuff he did in the past are fresh wounds. Then he claims that he does things to me to "make me stronger". I also have a heavy heart because I know that I made a big mistake by marrying this man. I feel like after all these years, it is so hard to break up. He is one of those men who refuse to go to counselling. I don't know what to do. I asked him if he has a problem with me, why won't he leave me, and he said it's because I'm his wife.

I would have already left but I don't have anywhere to go. My sister offered to let me stay with her because I told her that I am fed up with my marriage and wanted to leave, but I don't like squatting in other people's house when we already have one of our own.

Pastor, I need lots of advice, please.

Hurt

Dear Hurt,

When you are really fed up with this man and can't take anymore of his abuse, you would swallow your pride and accept the offer from your sister. At present, you would wish your husband to conduct himself better and to treat you with respect. But he knows that you love him so much and that what you are good at doing is to talk. He has not taken you seriously. He sees you as a joker.

I don't need to comment on his cheating and all that he is doing. You must take control of your life. You have to think about your future. I have said in the past that happiness is a choice. You must choose to be happy or to remain in this marriage and be unhappy. The choice is really yours. I wish you well.

Pastor