Dear Pastor,

I am a 24-year-old man and I have been reading your column and learning from the advice that you give. I listen to big men, talk and I try to learn from them too, because I did not grow up with a father and I don't have brothers, I only have two sisters, and all they talk about is their boyfriends. They are older than I am. I love them very much. I don't know anything about my father and all my mother says to me about him is that he was a sperm donor.

Pastor, I have a girlfriend. She is 19 years old, but I also have another woman in my life. She is twice my age and is a friend of my mother. It is a secret between both of us. She doesn't have a man in her life. She is a respectable woman.

My mother and my sisters have visas, I don't have any. One holiday, my mother and my sisters went abroad for vacation and I was left alone at the house. My girlfriend used to come and sleep with me sometimes, but she couldn't do it all the time because of her situation. This lady invited me to her house and she cooked what she knew I liked, ackee and saltfish and roast breadfruit. She gave me a beer to wash it down. Then she started to question me about my girlfriend and about sex.

I was surprised when she told me how much she loves me and that sometimes when I am going to work she looks at me thorough her window and how I am sexy. She came and sat next to me and I tried to pull away, but she told me I don't need to do that because we are big people and nobody would know what we do if I don't tell them. She asked me if I had sex with anybody else apart from my girlfriend and I told her no. She wanted to know if I believed that my girlfriend is cheating on me and I told her no, she is not cheating on me. She told me that she is going to take a bath and we can talk some more. I wanted to leave but I didn't know how.

She went and had a bath and came back in a see-through garment. We started to hug and kiss. She told me what I should do to her and I did and we had sex. I was surprised at what this woman was able to do because I thought that she was an old woman and too old for me. I fell asleep and did not wake up until early in the morning. When I woke up, she was looking at me and smiling. She made me breakfast and I went home to have a shower and to go to work.

By evening, I was back at her house and I went prepared for anything and she was up to it. I had sex with her five times in one week. I did not know older women could be so sweet. Now that my mother and sisters are back, she told me that we must find ways of doing it again, but I am afraid. My mother would surely kill me if she found out that I am having sex with this woman, but I love her now more than my girlfriend. I can't afford to lose her, but I can't let anybody know that we love each other.

Whenever she sees me, and my mother is around she is always acting as if she hasn't seen me for a long time. Please give me your advice.

F.M,

Dear F.M.,

You are 24 years old. This lady who is a friend of your mother has inveigled you to her house, cooked for you, treated you well, and got you to go to bed with her. Perhaps some of the things she did to you, your girlfriend has never done. And she was so good that you fell asleep and did not wake up until the following morning. No wonder you felt that you had to return again and again.

The question is, how long are you going to continue? You have declared that you love this woman much more than your girlfriend, but at the same time you have not told her about this woman. Nobody knows that you are having a sexual relationship with this woman except both of you. So my question is, when would you declare to your mother and sisters and your girlfriend that this lady and yourself are having a relationship? You shouldn't continue to fool the young woman and to give her the impression that all is well.

What I would suggest is that you quietly sit and consider seriously what you are to do. I don't know how much you know about this woman. Is she only looking for some sexual fun from a young man or is she looking for a lasting relationship? What are you looking for, a wife or temporary fun? Do you see a future in her? If you see a future in her, then both of you should come together and declare your relationship to your mother and others and let the chips fall where they may. I could only wish both of you well, but remember that your 19-year-old girlfriend has not done you any wrong and you may suffer for dissing her.

Pastor