Dear Pastor,

I am a regular reader of your column and the thought of writing to you never crossed my mind, but I find myself in need of your help. I am a 40-year-old woman. I don't seem to have luck with men. My former husband and I couldn't get along. He was so jealous, I felt cramped. He used to watch my every move, search my phone and my clothes. I worked with men and women too but the men and I got along well. If I made the mistake of talking to him and mentioned one of these men's names, right away he would accuse me of having a relationship with him.

We went for counselling and when I thought that he would improve, he accused the counsellor of taking my side because the counsellor wanted to have a relationship with me. When I told the counsellor what he said, he said to me, "Don't worry, this sort of thing happens all the time".

This man would not give me any money to shop. I had to use my own money. He claimed that he was using his money to send his daughter to college. One day we had a little argument and he thumped me and I fell to the ground. I was unable to go to work for two weeks. I did not report him to the police because I was too ashamed. I didn't want anybody to know that I was beaten by my husband so I filed for a divorce.

Then I met this man online. He claimed he loved me. We dated for a year then we got married. I wanted to get married in a church but he did not want that, so we got married in a private ceremony. Now, I regret marrying him. I have never enjoyed having sex with him. He has a small penis and when he should be having sex with me, he turns on his side and plays with himself. He enjoys having oral sex. That's all he wants to do. Even when I come home, without going to the bathroom, he pulls down my underwear and goes down on me. I told him that he is crazy and nasty but that does not bother him.

Pastor, I don't know what to do. I don't have any children. I don't want to let any of my friends know what I am going through because I am afraid that they may spread it around. Please give me your fatherly advice. I love you.

B.C

Dear B.C.,

I understand why you say that you do not have any luck with men. Your first husband was fortunate that you didn't have him arrested for abusing you. He was clearly an immature man. He needed professional help but he would never accept the fact that he should see a psychologist because he has a problem.

To such a man, everybody is at fault and he is the only person who is right. Counsellors face such accusations all the time. Some women complain that male counsellors take the side of the men. And some men complain that the female counsellors support the women. They fail to understand that counsellors are supposed to be professionals and they deal with every case on its own merit.

It would take the grace of God for a woman to deal with a man who is always searching her belongings or searching her person and for her to be accused constantly of having affairs with her co-workers. So, I could understand why you divorced your first husband. But what is happening to your present husband? He likes oral sex but why can't he understand that he has to learn to satisfy you through coitus. I hope that this marriage is not going to head for a divorce. I am therefore suggesting that both of you make an appointment to see a family counsellor or sex therapist.

Pastor