Dear Pastor,

I have been reading your columns for years and have found that you give solid and sound advice. It may come off harsh at times, but at the end of the day, you say what makes sense. I would like your advice on some things in my life.

I am a 25-year-old woman who left the country five years ago. I moved to the city to seek employment and for a better life as I grew up poor and wanted to help myself and my family. I got a job and started out life very rough, but as time went by, I learnt to adapt to city life. I changed jobs until I finally found a steady one, in which I settled. I struggled to buy every piece of furniture in my house and still tried to send money to the country when I had it. I didn't send every month as I would want to, but I did send it when I had it.

The problem is, pastor, that when I left the country, I was a Holy Ghost-filled, baptised, Christian woman, and now, I hardly have the time to go to church. I met and fell in love with this guy who later moved in with me. We have been living together for three years now. I took care of this man. I cooked, washed, cleaned, and treated him well. I looked forward to him giving me a ring quietly, but he never proposed. I wanted to settle, get married, and start my family, and he wasn't giving me that. I somehow lost hope and started cheating on him.

I met and fell in love with another guy my age, and we secretly planned to start a life on our own since my man was not giving me what I desired, which was to get married and start my family. This guy just broke my heart and got someone else pregnant, so I dropped him like hot bread. I still think about him, but to be honest, I have a way of blocking people out of my life, and he was one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. I regret cheating with this young fellow and have pledged to never ever cheat again as it cost me too much pain.

As for the man I live with, he still lives here with me. He has refused to move out, and I have to put up with him. He was a good man but gradually changed. He started spending less time with me, so I don't feel loved and cared for anymore. I want to go back into the church. I want to find a good man who would marry me and with whom I could start my family and live my life legally free and not have to hide or feel ashamed of what I am doing.

Pastor, my question is, after three going four years, do you think this man will really marry me? Do you see a future for us? He doesn't really support me financially, but he pays the bills and buys food and contributes a small amount to rent. On the other hand, I pay most of the rent, other bills, and help my family in the country, and I am still paying for furniture.

My biggest question to you is, after I have proven myself to this man - cooked, washed - and he still has not popped the question, should I walk away or wait around and see? Time flies so fast, and I just want a word of advice on what to do. I don't want to waste any more time making the wrong decisions. Please give me your fatherly advice. God bless you.

Bewildered

Dear Bewildered,

You haven't said whether this man became aware that you were cheating. If he knew that you were cheating, it is unlikely that he would marry you. He would have seen changes in you. Your reaction to him would not have been the same. Both of you are still living together and he is trying to do his little part. You can test the waters by suggesting to him that both of you get married and see how he reacts. If he does not intend to marry you, both of you should separate and you rent a smaller place, where the rent is not as expensive, and go back to your church and serve the Lord.

Don't beat yourself to death because of the mistakes that you have made. You seem very anxious to get married. You have good reasons for wanting to do so. I don't have to mention them. You can survive and get along fairly well until you find a man who will

genuinely love you and marry you. You have my prayers. Please let me hear from you again.

Pastor