Dear Pastor,

I have been reading your column for a long time and I always agree with your answers. I was in a relationship for four years but had to break up because my boyfriend wanted to control me.

He didn't have much education yet wanted to tell me what to do. I loved him but could not deal with him after a while. He started practising a certain religion. He did not want me to wear shorts anymore. I had to dress in long skirts and not wear make-up. He objected when I bought hair extensions.

One Saturday, I went out and did my hair. When we met he tried to pull it out and told me I was disrespecting him. He tried to have unprotected sex with me and I told him no. He said condoms, and other family planning, are the white man's way of killing out black people.

It was Christmas and he didn't buy me a gift but I bought him two bush jackets. He said he did not believe in Christmas anymore. That Christmas Eve, he forced me to have unprotected sex with him. We were alone, so I did, but I took the pill the following day and I went to spend the rest of the holidays with a girlfriend. I switched off my phone.

The only time my phone was switched on was when I called my parents abroad to wish them Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Friends told me he was calling them all the time to find out where I was.

After the holidays, he accused me of having another man. I told him I didn't have another man but didn't want him anymore. He accused me of disrespecting him. He said he would change because he loved me, and didn't want to lose me but I never gave him another chance.

It was hard for me because, though he was not educated, he was a nice guy but when he started to control me, I knew the relationship could not work.

He became friendly with one of my girlfriends but she rejected him. Sometimes he texts me and says he didn't leave me, I left him, and he wants us to get back together. I am not going back to him. I want to remain free from this man.

S.H

Dear S.H.,

This guy is not taking no for an answer, but you should continue to be firm. When you became friends, he was not a part of the organisation he joined. You are not prepared to follow him, but every man has a right to choose whatever group he wishes to support and become a member. I doubt very much this man will change from the new group, just to please you. I believe he is trying to fool you, in the hope of getting you back.

Perhaps he will find someone who does not believe in using make-up and wearing extensions, and who will not wear shorts etc. Therefore, I say to you, wish him well. He is not really harassing, or threatening you, so there is no need to report him to the police.

Whenever he texts and ask how are you doing, you may respond, if you feel like doing so. Bear in mind that if you respond often, he may continue to communicate with you, hoping one day you may invite him back into your life. so, please, use common sense.

Pastor