Dear Pastor,

I am living with a man from I was 16, now I am 32. I have never cheated. We got a piece of land and did some farming. Then he started to drive truck. Sometimes for two days he didn't come home. I have three children for him. Every time he came home he brought me money for myself and to save. He sent me back to school and my friends told me I should leave him but I said no. My father is in America. My mother didn't care much about me. But I stayed with different people until this man took me in and told me if I behaved we can make life together, so I behaved myself. I couldn't even cook. He taught me to cook.

When I was going back to school I met a young man and he was interested in me. I told him no, I wasn't interested in a relationship. When my man came I made the mistake by telling him about the guy. He grabbed me and asked me three times if I had sex with the guy and I told him no. I thought he was going to beat me and that he doubted me. That taught me a lesson, never to tell a jealous man that another man likes you.

When my father told me he would file for me I asked him what about my children's father and he told me that if he had to come he wouldn't file so I should leave him and think about myself. I told my father if that was how it had to go I wouldn't come.

Pastor, people think that I am a fool but I am not a fool. My children are doing well in school and I have my own little business and we live in our own house. I got a ten-year visa and I went to America and I called my father and when I told him I was in America he was so shocked. He wanted to know where I was staying but I wouldn't tell him. My friends who I was staying with told me that I should tell him so I called him back on the last day before I left America and he came to see me. And he begged me pardon for not supporting me when I was a child.

People give men who are older than women bad name but not all of them are bad. My man is much older than I and he doesn't have any children outside. I don't give him cause for him not to trust me. He eats a lot of porridge and drinks a lot of natural juices. I don't have to beg him for anything. When he is tired I know that I should let him rest and not force him to have sex. Pastor, it is your column that has helped me to cope in life. You are doing a good job and I love you. Keep up the good work.

T.H

Dear T.H.,

I am so happy for you. You are a wonderful woman. You are intelligent and you have been faithful to your man. Your parents abandoned you. Your mother should have known that she should not have left you to struggle on your own. And if your father cared he would have seen to it that money was sent to take care of you. But he didn't, and then insulted you by telling you that he would file for you but your man couldn't be included.

My dear, I don't need to say it but I will say it nevertheless. You got a good man. I am sure that at such a tender age he controlled you but he gave you guidance and treated you well. He sent you back to school and he did what so many men do not do, he brought home his money and the money was put to good use.

I have observed that you did not call him your husband but I know he is. I want to promise you that if both of you are not officially married I will be glad to officiate and I will do so without charge. You did not send me your telephone number but you know mine, so you can call me. I wish you the very best.

Pastor