Dear Pastor,

I am a Christian but my boyfriend is not. He is 30 and in a very good job. I am 28 and this is the third proposal that I have gotten.

When I was 25 I was seriously in love with a man, but he left me after he got involved with an American woman who came to Jamaica for vacation and they met. She went away and came back and married him. He kept telling me that he would never leave me, but he slept with me the night before he got married. He left some of his clothes and assured me that I would see him in the evening. When I didn't see him I called his number and it went straight to voicemail. I didn't see him until three days after. By that time his wife had left Jamaica.

We continued to be friends because he was treating me very well and I was driving a car he bought for me, but it was in his name. He admitted that he got married but it was to help the both of us. Even when he was leaving Jamaica to join his wife, he was assuring me that the marriage was only to help the both of us to live a better life in the land of opportunity and I believed him. When he went to America I only heard from him a few times, but he refused to give me his number because he said he didn't want his wife to know about me.

One day, his brother showed up at my workplace and demanded that I turn over the car keys to him. I refused, but then he showed me a letter written by his brother and I knew it was written by him because I know his handwriting. I was so embarrassed. I took out everything I had in the car and handed his brother the key. I got involved with another man, but it was only to try and get over my ex-boyfriend. I didn't love him; he was a very selfish man. He had a car and he wouldn't even take me to work or pick me up at anytime.

This man that I am with now is a nice guy but he doesn't go to church. I didn't like him at first, but now I have grown to love him. He doesn't have any children. He has his own home and quite a nice one, too. It is now two years since we are together, but he cheated on me. I know it happened once. He said that happened during the time I wasn't paying him any attention. I blame myself for that but now I love him fully.

He is the roughest man that I have ever had sex with. If I don't cry he feels that he is not doing anything. He likes to have sex for a long time and that is something that I am not accustomed to. When we started to have sex, I asked him what he was using to have sex for such a long period and he said nothing. Now that he wants to settle down with me, it is one of my biggest concerns.

I told my mother that I am having problems with him and my mother didn't stop asking me what is the problem until I told her and I couldn't believe what my mother said. She said, "I wish your daddy would make me cry sometimes. Sometimes he is not doing a thing." I would never say anything to my mother again about sex.

R.R.

Dear R.R.,

I believe that your mother was telling you to marry your boyfriend because you might not find a better man. And perhaps you would come to eventually enjoy the type of sex this man likes. I am sure you have spoken to this man over and over about the pains you feel while having sex with him. However, you need to understand that some men believe that if their partner is not feeling pain they are not doing a good job, so to speak.

You have come to love this man. The guy who bought you a car, got married unknowing to you and then lied to you, then he embarrassed you by taking back the car. The other fellow you did not love, but you have gotten to love this man. He is everything that you would like in a man, except that he believes in rough sex and he is not a church man.

I am glad that you were able to talk to your mother about sex, and that's how it ought to be. You are a grown woman and sometimes you need to talk to your mother woman to woman. She can give you advice, and right now her advice to you is to stick with your man. I believe mama is right and that's all I have to say.

Pastor