Dear Pastor,

When I was in high school I used to read your column. Now I am in the States and I still read it. I am 27 and I am married to an American white man. I must say that I have made a mistake. He is from a middle class family and sometimes they behave as if I am accepted in the family but I know that one of his sisters doesn't like me at all. She was married and her husband left her. She is very close to my husband and is always calling him and pouring out her heart.

My husband has a good job. I didn't go running after him. We were in university together and I used to help him with his work and we fell in love. He is proud of me but I am not proud of his family. They have a farm and horses and his sister sees me as a poor girl, but she has nothing on me. My husband says he loves me but he does not say that to them in my presence.

This past thanksgiving I refused to stay at their home. Unknown to my husband, I booked a room in a hotel and told him after he had spent time with them he can come to me at the hotel. My husband was very upset with me but I stood my ground. I made up with him after I lied to him and told him that I was not feeling well and wanted to go to the hotel to rest. The truth is, I went out with some of my Jamaican friends.

Pastor, I was not ill, I just did not want to stay there. My husband came in half drunk. He vomited and I cleaned up his mess without complaining. The next day I demanded that he should take me shopping. I told him that I would never come back to another thanksgiving dinner at his parents home, and, as a matter a fact, we should get a divorce because I am tired of the way I am being treated. They have no respect for black people.

My husband accused me of not settling down with him. He knows of my former boyfriend in Jamaica. I told my husband about him so everything I say, he tells me it is because I want to go back to my old boyfriend. This is another reason why I say to you that I made a mistake when I married my husband because my ex-boyfriend is always on my mind. My husband is no match. However, if I had felt comfortable among his people I thought I would have adjusted.

We have been married for 2 years and I refuse to allow my husband to get me pregnant. I prefer to have a child with my ex-boyfriend. I did not marry this man because of love although I admired him. The reason I got married to him was for him to help me to get a green card and also to help me pay off my student loan. I know I sound like a bad girl, but I am not. I am just telling you as it is.

R.T.

Dear R.T.,

I doubt this marriage will last because it has a bad foundation; it's not based on love. Actually, it's based on deceit on your part. Your aim was to get help from this man and you succeeded. You say that your husband's people don't like you, especially one sister. You are not married to the sister.

However, whenever a man or woman is married, relatives do get involved and sometimes it is difficult to ignore them, especially if they are living close to you. And even those who are living far away constantly call and harass or try to give advice or to tell you what you ought to do or ought not to do in your relationship.

Thanksgiving is a very happy occasion. Families get together and have a good time. But it is better not to attend a thanksgiving dinner in the home of an in-law if one knows that one is not welcomed as a part of the family. This sort of thing happens all the time. Some interracial marriages work, but others don't because some folks are racist and they do not consider that certain people are on the same level with them.

It seems to me that it is only a matter of time before your marriage comes to an end because your heart is on your former boyfriend in Jamaica and you have got out of your marriage what you wanted. You should make an appointment to see a family counsellor because I am not sure that you have told me the whole truth.

Pastor