Dear Pastor,

I am sure you can give me good advice. I am 19. I was not circumcised. I tried to have sex with my girlfriend and it was painful. I had to stop. It was the first time I was having sex. She was not because she had a boyfriend and was sexually active with him. I became her boyfriend about six months ago after she and her ex-boyfriend broke up. She went to his house and caught him having sex with another girl and got into a fight. Instead of her ex-boyfriend begging her pardon, he threatened to beat her.

He told her it was the first time he was cheating on her. When I tried to have sex with her, I told her, I was a virgin but she did not believe me. She told me I can be circumcised so I should check with a doctor.

I felt ashamed when I couldn't have sex with her. She hugged me and promised not to tell anybody I was a failure. I really love her. She gave me a bath, we played around and I felt better.

Pastor, is it expensive for me to get circumcised? I would like to do so very soon. She told me she would wait until I am circumcised and won't go to another man because she loves me, so please give your advice.

E.H

Dear E.H,

First, let me address your concern about circumcision. It is not anything to worry about. Some men have been circumcised at a much older age than you. You are only 19. Even men who have been married undergo circumcision for different reasons, including religious.

Others do so because it is believed the penis is easier to keep clean when the foreskin is removed.

However, some doctors argue that with the improvement of hygiene today, circumcision is not necessary. However, uncircumcised men should pay much attention when bathing to pull back the foreskin of their penis.

What I understand, (though you did not say it) is that your foreskin could not be pulled back, so you found sex to be painful, which caused you to stop. However, if your girlfriend was sexually active, why was sex so painful? Much of what I could say here, I withheld because I recognise children read my column, and what they do not understand they ask adults. I want to continue to be a responsible counsellor in this column. If something is not necessary to state in details, I'll leave it out and allow readers to guess what I am trying to say.

Nothing I say here should cause anyone to think that I am sanctioning sex outside of marriage. I am only answering your question on its merit. There is an argument that some women enjoy sex more with uncircumcised men, whereas others prefer men who are circumcised.

It would cost you some money to be circumcised. I suggest, therefore, that you speak to a medical practitioner and he should advise you where to go and who can take care of this matter for you.

Your girlfriend caught her ex-boyfriend having sex with another girl and, evidently, he tried to protect the girl. It is unfortunate that he threatened her. He should have asked for forgiveness, instead of humiliating her in the presence of the other girl.

However, I rather suspect that your girlfriend said some very nasty things about him and, perhaps, the girl with whom he was having sex. Harsh words were passed on both sides and he lost his cool.

Pastor