Dear Pastor,

I am a regular reader of your column in The Star and I have learnt a lot from you. I hope that you can help me. I am 34 years old. When I was 15 years old, I was sexually abused by a family member and I got pregnant. My parents took me to a doctor and I had an abortion. I became very scared of men. After I left high school, I went to teachers' college. I met guys who told me that they loved me, but I just laughed with them. I never went out on dates with any of them, but one of them was very persistent and he called me his wife.

One day, he cornered me and told me that we should talk and it was time for me to stop running away from him. I knew he was not going to hurt me. We went out together and I told him my reasons for keeping away from men. We became very close and we dated for two years, then he dumped me because I refused to have sex with him. We got close to it, but that evening when we were about to have sex, I refused to take off my underwear and I was trembling and he stopped and got dressed and told me to get dressed and he called a taxi to take me home. He never dated me again. He told me he did not want to get himself into trouble and I must try and get help. Now, he is married and whenever I hear his name, I feel sorry that I allowed him to slip out of my hands.

I finally got married to a man who doesn't care whether I give him sex or not because he has other women. That is how it appears to me. Sometimes we don't have sex for months. It took me a long time to enjoy having sex and I have never gotten pregnant again. We have a nice home and two of my husband's children live with us. I love them.

People ask me if I wouldn't want to have children and I told them that I am alright with those that my husband has. My husband treats me with respect. He is 65 years old, same age as my father, and they get along well.

B.W

Dear B.W,

I am glad you are happily married, but I am sorry that you were sexually abused by a family member. That rapist should not have been allowed to go free. You have difficulty trusting members of the opposite sex and one reason for that is you did not receive therapy after you were molested and became pregnant. You should have gone through a series of counselling. Sometimes, parents ignorantly encourage their children to terminate pregnancies, but they fail to understand the trauma that their daughters endure.

Your boyfriend could not deal with your reaction when both of you agreed to have sex, but he was wise not to force you. I am glad that you are now married. This older man loves you and is taking care of you. However, you suspect that he has other women. If you are correct, you should beg him to stop and you should make sure that he uses a condom whenever he is about to have sex with you.

Don't forget that if a man is having sex with another woman, he might become infected with an STD such as herpes or HIV and pass it on to you. If you feel depressed often, you should make an appointment to see a psychologist.

Pastor