Dear Readers,

Mrs K. is experiencing a "warm time" at home since her 28-year-old daughter returned home with her three-year-old son, to live after her live-in relationship broke up. Her daughter is trying to find a job, as she was not working and the child goes to day care during the days, but at nights, everyone is tired. Mrs K. is left to get supper and even babysit while her daughter visits outside the home.

Mrs. K. says that on weekends, she tidies and gets laundry done while everyone else sleeps in late. She is also experiencing a lot of additional financial stress. She loves her daughter and grandson, but finds herself unhappy, resentful and in need of some alone time. Mrs K. asks Lifeline what she should do. She wants to help out in the crisis, but this seems just too much to cope with!

Adjusting to the return of adult children to live at home can be very stressful indeed. It is a huge balancing act and requires, up front the acknowledgement that adults are adults, even if they are your own children. This then implies that the living relationship will be a 'new 'one with new boundaries and expectations, not just a continuation of what existed during childhood! A big challenge is always that of creating a new situation which will reflect everyone's greater independence.

Parents often do too much when a child returns home. This is so especially when the child is experiencing financial difficulties. Then often, the parent resumes the responsibilities and just "takes care" of the situation. This is almost an automatic response, but it is never best to remove the opportunities for adult children to become self-sufficient, or undermine their pride.

This is the wrong thing to do. Helping too much can impede the ability of the offspring to move on and make their own way. The adult offspring needs to maintain responsibility for his/her own life. If necessary, loans can be made and terms of repayment agreed upon.

Also, mommy/daddy is now just another ADULT in the home, and an older one at that, and should not be burdened with onerous additional household tasks!

As a rule, adults living together should have arrangements in place, and this is equally so when the adult is also an offspring!

1) Have clear expectations with the adult child:

Should they move out by a certain age?

Should they move when they get employed?

Are they expected to contribute funds to pay household bills? If yes, then how much?

What household chores are they expected to do?

Having a clear understanding of these expectations will prevent an adult offspring from overstaying their welcome or overstepping boundaries within the home.

2) Respect adult children's choices and independence: (within reason in your own home)

Within the parameters of moral behaviour, allow them their own choices. What they wear, who they date, what courses they choose to study at university are ultimately their own choices. That is, be more like a consultant, giving a bit of oversight rather than being a hands-on-everything manager.

Do not blame the adult child for their failure to thrive in the current economic climate. The young adults face a very difficult situation indeed. There are very few job opportunities and many young educated adults are also trying to pay off student loans, which worsen the situation.

3) Set and enforce financial boundaries:

Living at home provides some savings for the live-at-home adult offspring and they must be encouraged to save some of what they earn.

4) Avoid returning to old patterns:

The roles of parent and child evolve as the years pass. Acknowledge this and develop new rules for shared responsibilities in the home, shared housework and shared bill payment.

5) Avoid the blame game:

Economic problems exist, social problems exist. Jobs are lost, relationships fail. These are real-life problems and are sometimes totally unavoidable on the part of the adult child. There is nothing wrong with either the adult parent or adult child saying, "what should I have done differently?" Many times the answer is "nothing". People do their best and still experience problems. It is always easier in hindsight (retrospectively assessing an issue) to be critical. However, it doesn't make sense to do this and it only increases the stress being experienced by both adults.

Mrs K. could also ask her daughter to seek assistance from the father of her child. If he is a responsible person, he can be asked to participate more in the raising of the child and take the child home one or two weekends each month. This would create a little respite for the adults who remain at home.

Write to: Lifeline,

PO Box 1731,

KGN 8

AJM