Dear Pastor,

I am in my late 20s and I am a professional. I have been in a relationship with a 49-year-old man for more than nine years now. I met him while in college. After I left college, he suggested that I move out of my mother's house and rent a place of my own. I figured it was a good idea as what existed was a one-bedroom situation. He owned a house, but he was married and separated, so his wife lived in half of the house and he was in the other half.

However, when I got the apartment, he ended up living with me and he would only visit his house sometimes to sleep. I got pregnant in 2006, and he told me he was not ready for another child, so I should abort it, and I did. He has two children with his wife.

I subsequently found out that he had another woman pregnant at the same time as me and figured that was the reason he asked me to have the abortion.

The lady searched his phone and found my number and called to tell me that he was at her house and they had a son together.

We separated for a while, but he would not leave me alone. After much pleading and apologies, I went back to him. He told me that he wanted the relationship to work and that he was no longer involved with her.

Things were never really the same again; we would argue all the time. He treated me badly and sometimes hit me. I even ended up cheating myself. He found out about the act I committed and after much beating and arguing, he decided that we could still try and make it work. There were also other instances where I found out that he was involved with other ladies, too.

House construction

Being the determined and driven person I am, I started looking around for land to buy. At this time, I was studying again and wanted to buy the land, lay it aside, and start building after I was through. When he realised I was doing this, he suggested that we buy it together and build the house together. I was hesitant but believed that he wanted to stay with me. We bought the land in 2010 and finished building in 2012.

I took a mortgage of $4.5 million from NHT and he contributed personal money (not even half of what I took). We signed as joint tenants. I was uncomfortable, and I even suggested that we do tenant- in-common, and he said my mind was bad.

I am the only one repaying the mortgage now. We were not always happy, but since we were building a house together, I really thought this guy wanted to be with me and that things would work out. Realising that we were going into our own home, I told him I wanted to have a child, and he was excited and said that he could not wait. Sometime after my abortion, he started asking me to try again, and I refused because I was not sure where his priorities lay.

miserable

Shortly before the house was finished, we started arguing about everything - from past mistakes to present ones. We moved into the house in January 2012. that same week, we got into a fight and he hit me, after not having done it for many years.

That same night, he told me he must get me out the house. From that time, I have been going through hell. he would not talk to me; we do not go anywhere or do anything together. I was miserable in my own house. At the same time I could go nowhere without him arguing. Whenever he came home from work, he would say good evening and just go lock up in the room.

I was severely depressed. I even called you sometime in 2012. We had an argument on June 8, 2013, and he did not speak to me for a month. I even left the house during the summer holidays and he did not call or text to find out where I was. I came back in the summer, and he still did not speak to me. He did not come home, and I called his phone 1:30 in the morning.

A lady called me and asked me why I was calling her children's father at that hour of the morning. It was then I found out that he was still having a relationship with the lady and she now had two children by him.

This lady was pregnant while we were building the house and he never said anything to me. Since I found out, he has been acting nice and telling me that he wants me to stay and have a good life together in the house.

Pastor, why would he do this? I think he would be relieved that this secret is out and move on with his children's mother since I don't have any children for him.

I want to do something about the situation, but it's difficult now because I have no money. I spent everything on the house and paying my tuition fee. Apart from the bills, he has never helped me out. I even have huge debts. He is adamant that he is not leaving the house, and currently, he is even making improvements on it.

I am just so depressed and wish there was someone who I could just sit and talk to. I can't talk to family or friends as they did not support my decision to go back to him.

I am willing to help myself out of the situation, but I just don't know where to start. I have always been an independent, self-reliant person, and now I feel like a failure.

Please give me your advice. I value your opinion. Whenever I buy the Star, your column is the first, and sometimes the only, thing I read.

J.

Dear J.,

You have made some fundamental mistakes that cannot be corrected. You were too trusting, and this man deceived you all the way. He is devious. I have no doubt in my mind that you loved him, and it is because of the love that you had for him why he was able to bamboozle you.

I don't need to comment on everything that you have written. I just need to tell you that I recognise that you are afraid of this man. But you shouldn't be. you need help in understanding how to deal with this man. You also need to stop behaving as if you cannot do without him. I can mention all the things that you shouldn't have done, but that wouldn't change anything.

I hope that you have all your receipts properly and safely secured because you are going to need them. This man told you that you would never get him out of the house. He can say whatever he wants. There are legal ways to deal with him.

So what am I suggesting? I am suggesting that this matter be put into the hands of an attorney. I know you say you do not have any money. Don't allow that to deter you because the longer you wait is the more difficult it is going to be.

I am quite willing to meet with you. In the meantime, make sure that you do not say anything about your plans. And make sure that you pray about your situation. God will help you. With His help you will receive justice.

Pastor