Dear Pastor,

I have been reading your column for many years and I thank you for your fatherly advice. I am a married woman and I have two children. One is not for my husband. I met a man when I was three months pregnant. I told him the guy who got me pregnant had left the Island, but I heard from him every week and he was hoping to come back to marry me.

My parents, in the meantime, had put me out and I didn't have anywhere to stay, so this guy took me in. We didn't have sex for a while, but I had to tell the man who got me pregnant where I was living. He told me to leave and go live with his mother, but his mother lived in a bad area and everybody was packed in a small house that didn't have proper toilet facilities. I stayed two nights and left.

I went back to stay at the other guy's house where I was very comfortable. I told the man I was pregnant. He cursed and said that I had a new man. I cried and tried to convince him it was not so. He stopped calling. Whenever I tried to call him I would not get him. He also stopped sending me money. I was not working so I had to depend on the new guy.

When the baby was born, the new guy told me to give the baby his name. Somebody told the real father that I had a son and he called me. I told him I had registered the child in the new guy's name. He said that could not happen and wants his son, but not me. I told him it had already happened.

One day he called and said he had money for me and I should go and pick it up. My new boyfriend told me not to go, but I needed the money so I went. From that day, he has been sending me money. I got pregnant again, but this time for my new boyfriend.

Pastor, my son's father, who is in America, said he has forgiven me and he would come to Jamaica and marry me, because he wants his son to grow up with him. My new boyfriend is saying I cannot leave him and that I am ungrateful. I would like to go back to school, but my new boyfriend does security work and does not have the money to send me back to school, plus I have the two children to look after. He said if I am leaving, I should go now and not wait until the guy comes back to Jamaica to marry me.

Pastor, I cannot sleep at nights, because I secretly married my son's father from America and my conscience is bothering me. My parents and I have made up and they know everything. When the time comes for me to leave, I don't want to leave any of my children, and I don't want to be ungrateful to this guy. Please tell me what to do.

J.N.

Dear J.N.

It is not clear from your letter, so I presume you have moved back into your parents' house. If you have not already done so, I strongly suggest that you leave the man's house and advise him that you are now married to the father of your first child.

You indicated that you wish to take both your children with you to America, so it is expected that the necessary steps would be taken to address the registration of your first child in your husband's name. I cannot say whether the father of your second child will allow you to leave the island with his child. It may not be easy, but this is where both of you need to talk. It may even become necessary for you to see an attorney.

You obviously want to seek a better life for yourself, but, in everything you do, you have to be very careful of the ripple effect of your actions and how you affect others. It is quite imaginable that the guy who assisted you in your time of need would be hurt by the things you have done. He had not only taken you in but gave your child his name, which would suggest that he was in it for the long haul. He may or may not forgive you but I suggest you apologise and seek to make it right with him, now that you are married and cannot reverse your actions. These may be the issues affecting your conscience and causing you to lose sleep.

Pastor