Dear Pastor,

It is a pleasure for me to be finally contacting you. I have been listening to your programme for quite a while now. Let me start off by saying that any advice that you may offer to me after reading my letter will be greatly appreciated.

I am a 34-year-old woman living in the United States for the last five years. In 2002, I met a young man over the phone at work. I used to work as a telemarketer at the company in Jamaica. We corresponded for a while. At that time he was living in the States and I was living in Jamaica. He was going through a divorce and I felt really sorry for him because of the things that he said that he was going through.

In 2007, I decided to meet with him because he said he was afraid to come to Jamaica because of how people told him that Jamaica is dangerous. He left Jamaica at the age of 13 and never returned. He is now 48 years old. I came to the USA in 2008 but I decided to stay because I didn't really want to return to my old job. At that time I left my teenage child behind with my mother.

Since I decided to stay, we got married so that I could get my residency. Honestly, he was not the person I saw myself marrying, but all I was thinking about was my child whom I left in Jamaica. At first he was okay and he was treating me well, but all of a sudden he started to verbally and physically abuse me and cheat on me.

It was at that time I started to put the pieces together and got to understand why his first wife divorced him. I have a sister who lives in another state, and she bought my ticket at the time of the abuse to come and stay with her but I changed my mind. All I was thinking about again was my daughter, knowing that I was doing this for her. At one time I had to call the cops on him and he left the house for five days and then came back.

He started to behave better and I ended up having a child for him in 2009. After the child was born, he started abusing me again, but this time it was verbal. I just ignored him. Before 2009 ended, I got my permanent residency and my daughter who I left in Jamaica was able to migrate here to the States. I went and got myself certified in home health, so I could find a job.

Pastor, since I started working he changed back for the better because he feels now that I am out of the house I will be meeting other people and I probably will soon leave. When I was living in Jamaica I always wanted to become a nurse but could not afford to go back to school. I did not graduate from high school; I dropped out because I got pregnant. Knowing the kind of person I am, I went back to school here to get my GED (high school diploma) and I am in my second year at college studying to become a registered nurse. I work at a hospital as a companion. I work on the night shift 12 hours for four days per week.

watching me like a hawk

This man is now watching me like a hawk and saying that I have a man at the hospital. Honestly, I don't have any sexual feelings for this man anymore, and he knows that. I am young and he is older than I. He feels that he won't find another woman like me because he is not good looking. I am a very beautiful lady with a nice figure but I feel that I am burdening myself by being in a relationship that I am not happy in. I am saying to myself that he is too old for me. I can't see myself living with a 50-year-old man while in my 30s.

I don't want to sound selfish, but I can't take this burden any longer. I just can't wait to finish my degree so I could get a good-paying job that I could support my children and myself. I now found myself going on dating websites looking to find other men because I am tired of this man. Sometimes I don't want him to touch me and not even to look at me. I feel he is way too old and I am not attracted to him anymore.

I know I shouldn't be saying these things but I just can't bear this burden anymore.

K.M.

Dear K.M.,

I like you because you have spoken the truth. I give you an A+ for pretence. You played a game and you have passed with flying colours. You were good in what you did. There was no love in your heart for this man. But you saw an opportunity to get your permanent status in America through him. So you pretended and pretended that you loved him. When you cooked his meal you were pretending that you loved. When you went out with him, you were pretending that you loved him. When you made love with him, you were pretending that you loved him. But he couldn't see it. He thought you were genuine.

Now that you have everything going for you, you can't stand him. Now he is old and ugly and there is no way you can continue to live with this old man. You can't see yourself as ungrateful because you were only playing a game. You were smart and able to use this man. You will soon be a registered nurse and you will divorce him and do just what the other girls have done to the men who have been free-handed and helpful to them.

It is true, you wouldn't need this man anymore. You have ridden him as a jackass. While he was playing the fool, you were planning. He didn't always treat you well, but you outsmarted him. I hope that you will find a better man. You say that you will be able to support yourself, so according to you, you will only need a man to satisfy your biological needs. I am sure that such a man is not hard to find. I wish you well.

Pastor