Dear Pastor,

I have been married for 12 years. I am Jamaican but my wife is American. I should say that I became an American citizen. For years, I held a very good job and I travelled extensively. Sometimes my wife went along, but it was not always convenient for her to do so. We have two children together. My wife was a stay-at-home mom, though she has a master's degree. That was a decision both of us made - for her to stay home and not work outside the home so that she could spend more time with the children and help them.

For the last two years, my wife has been complaining that I am travelling too much and I should consider changing jobs. I pointed out to her that I would make less money and she would have to go out to work. At that time I was not aware that my wife was seeing another man and was looking for excuses to leave me. It was the children who made me become aware that something was wrong.

One evening I was out of town and I called home. I expected my wife to be there but she wasn't. I asked my daughter where she was and she told me she had gone out with so and so (she called the name of a man).

I know that man very well. I tried her cellphone but it rang straight into voicemail. I waited for two more hours and I called the house phone again. This time, she was home but refused to tell me where she had gone with this man. I became angry and insisted that she tell me why she went with this man. She said that she didn't have to tell me anything and she hung up.

The following day, I flew home and my daughter told me that her mother reprimanded her for telling me that she had gone out with this man. Why, pastor, would she do so if she and this man were not having an affaire? Why would she not tell me where she went? I know that she did not go to a club because she doesn't drink.

From this incident, I find it hard to trust my wife. I begged her to come clean, but she says she has nothing to confess and it is up to me to do whatever I want to do. I have suggested that we go for counselling. She told me that I am paranoid so I need the counselling. Please give me your advice. I see my marriage falling apart.

C.

Dear C.,

Your wife has said enough to make you suspicious indeed. I think you have a right to know where she went. After all she is your wife and she went out with another man. She did not want you to know, that is why she reprimanded her daughter for telling you. I am sure that annoyed you. If everything was above board, why was she upset with your daughter? She is not interested in counselling, and that could mean two things: either she is no longer interested in the relationship, and two, she doesn't want to divulge certain information. Perhaps you should still go to see a counsellor. He or she might be able to help you to deal with the situation.

In fairness to your wife, you have to remember that she asked you to consider changing jobs. Perhaps she felt neglected and she wanted to see more of you at home. Perhaps at times she felt lonely and needed a male companion, and this guy filled the gap. She is not willing to tell you straight up, but you are not a fool.

Your wife made a big mistake by telling your daughter that she should not inform on her to you. By doing so, she has caused the children to believe that she was doing something wrong. I hope your marriage can be rescued, but that can only happen if your wife is willing to change her attitude.

Pastor