Dear Pastor,

I am a regular reader of your column and also a listener to your entertaining radio programme. I am 23- years-old and my boyfriend is also 23. Both of us have been friends since we were in high school. He said he was always admiring me and sometimes when his friends were talking about me and saying how much they love me, he was jealous but didn't say anything.

I didn't even think about him until I was about to graduate. He used to call me and pop up here and there for me to see him. He comes from a very good family but I am having a problem with him these days. We talked about it and I told him that I am going to write to you.

I want to get married before I turn 25. He believes that before we get married, I should become pregnant. I told him that was an old way of thinking and I am not going to become pregnant just to please him or to prove that I am a woman, because he knows that I am 100 per cent woman. We make love at least twice a month, so what other proof can he want to have that I am a woman?

ultimatum

He has tried to trick me many times by not walking with any condom, so I keep condoms with me so that we won't have to fight or be angry with each other when he wants us to have sex. The only time we had unprotected sex is once when I was about to see my menses. While we were doing it, my menses came. I will not forgive myself for what I allowed to happen.

Sometimes I wonder why I should bother with him. I have never had another man in my life. I know that I could get married without a man forcing me to become pregnant first; but I don't just want to get married, I want to marry the man I love and I am in love with my boyfriend.

What can I do to convince him that I do not have to become pregnant before we get married?

I gave him an ultimatum that if he does not agree for us to get married by the end of this year, I am going to break up with him. I don't think he has taken me seriously, but I kind of mean it.

SN

Dear SN,

I can only suggest that you stand your ground. This man is insulting you by insisting that you become pregnant before both of you get married. If he is serious about the relationship and genuinely loves you, he will marry you.

There are so many things that a woman can try if she does not get pregnant immediately after she gets married. If he loves you, he should marry you.

You have a right to insist that you would not allow him to get you pregnant. Of course, he has a right to say he won't marry you either, but then, he would be telling you that he is a user and that you are only good enough to meet his sexual needs and to carry a pregnancy.

I suggest that both of you make an appointment to see a family counsellor, who will be in a position to give you guidance and advice.

Pastor