Dear Pastor,

I enjoy reading your column and I think you are good at your job. I am seeking your advice about a current relationship issue I am having. I am 21 and attending university.

I have been in a relationship for the last two years with a young man who is 23 and also attends university. I don't even know where to start, but I will try. First, I must highlight the fact that he is a very responsible and an admirable person who, as far as I am concerned, has been faithful and treats me well. For the first year of our relationship, he was extremely loving and was emotionally in tuned to our relationship. However, after the first year he seems to have lost that emotion.

He continued treating me well but he stopped telling me that he loves me. He doesn't deal with the emotional aspect of our relationship. He would get upset if he sees that I am upset, irritated or feel insecure about anything. Also, he has not told me that he loves me for almost a year now.

I must admit that sometimes I would search his phone, laptop, and other personal belongings he has at home because I would always wonder if he is really genuine. At first he didn't seem to have a problem, but my habits became more frequent until one day we had a huge argument because of it. He changed the passwords for his phones and laptop. It was shortly after that he just cut me off emotionally and it got to the point where he just becomes hostile and tells me that he doesn't love me anymore and he has lost his feelings. So we broke up.

Two weeks later, he came back and said he wanted to give us another chance. I was ecstatic. This was from last year July. I searched his phone again and saw where during the time that we were having problems he was exchanging flirty messages with a young lady. I enquired about her and he told me that he met her in Half-Way Tree and that was the only time he saw her. I was upset, but I believed him because I don't have a problem with him when it comes on to being honest.

We continued our relationship and from last July until now he still tells me that he loves me. Though we have happy times, there has been more sad ones. We have been breaking up and getting back together. At one point, he told me that he doesn't see us being happy again and he can't force his heart to feel what it doesn't. That totally devastated me because I honestly love him, although I can't seem to trust him fully. I know he is a good guy and good guys are hard to find these days, so females tend to gravitate towards him easily and he is also very charming.

I broke up with him three weeks ago because to me, he has given up on us emotionally. We still communicate daily because he says he cares about me and he will still do anything to ensure that I am alright. However, he told me he has been contemplating working on our relationship but when he thinks about how insecure I am and how I love to search his stuff, he thinks twice; plus, he says, while he cares he can't say he loves me. Also, it is even more frustrating because he says he has been faithful to me.

I asked him to forgive me and let us start afresh and put aside all that we have been through and work on his feelings that have been lost. I always curse him about it and tell him that it is the reason why I am insecure. Honestly, I love him and although he doesn't say it I think a part of him loves me too. He told me that he will think about it. We speak and spend time together but he hasn't confirmed anything as yet. I know I have issues and I think he has some emotional baggage also, based on some hurtful thing that was done to him, plus his best friend died last November; so I am thinking we both have some issues to work on.

I know we are not married but I am wondering if counselling will help. Should I let him go or should I just be patient, work on my issues and pray that things will work out between us. I await your advice. Thank you

K.P.

Dear K.P.,

This guy must be a good man. He has exercised patience with you. In fact, he is too patient. He should have dropped you long ago, because you have done nothing to cement the relationship. Instead, you have constantly cursed him and searched his belongings. How could you expect him to continue to love you?

However, if you believe that God will perform a miracle and turn this man's heart to love you again, you may ask him whether he would be prepared for both of you to seek professional help. If he agrees, consult a family counsellor. However, if he doesn't agree, leave him alone.

Pastor