Dear Counsellor:

I am infected with herpes. When I got the diagnosis, I was able to make telephone calls to the two people I had slept with, and I asked them if either of them had any idea they were infected. But now that it is time to tell my new girlfriend, I have lost my nerve. I really cannot stand the thought that she may feel differently about me or even reject me. Please tell me, should I bother to tell my new girlfriend or should I just be very careful?

Lover Boy

Dear Lover Boy:

The prospect of telling another person you have herpes can cause you to worry, especially when you are getting ready to tell someone with whom you would like to be sexually involved. Telling your partner can involve risking rejection, facing up to social stigma, and revealing a very personal aspect of yourself. But it is also a key step towards an honest relationship with a partner, a relationship built on honesty, openness, and acceptance. Of course, it is not easy, but once you know what to tell your partner, you will be better able to tell her in your own way and at the right time.

There are many reasons for telling your partner, but the most basic one is that you greatly limit the likelihood of spreading the virus. People who choose not to tell increase the risk of infecting a partner and also burden themselves with fear, guilt, and secrecy. Obviously, those are not the qualities most people want in a relationship. By telling your partner you are allowing an informed choice to be made. You are showing respect for your partner's well-being and judgement. Your honesty enhances intimacy and may inspire respect in your partner. She may even thank you for your courage and trust.

For more information on condom use, HIV/AIDS, and other sexually transmitted infections, call the AIDS/STD Helpline at 967-3830, 967-3764, or toll free 1888-9914444.