Dear Pastor,

I am 53 and have a problem and I cannot get over it. My parents left Jamaica when I was around 10 years old and I was living with my older sister and then her boyfriend moved in.

My sister's boyfriend started molesting me at the age of 11 until I was 16. My sister's boyfriends brother came to visit and my sister let him sleep in the same bed with me and he also molested me. I could not say anything because my sister's boyfriend threatened me. He wrote my parents and told them that I was going around sleeping with guys. My mother did not even ask me if it was true, but wrote a letter to me through my grandmother with not so good words.

I used to run away, but no one knew why I was doing so. I would go to some Rastas' house and stay there all night until it was time for school the next day. One day, my sister's boyfriend hit me at the house gate and one of the Rasta said to him if you ever hit her again what he would do to him. The Rasta also said, "she is not your daughter so don't hit her."

too embarrassed

My sister also worshipped him like he was God and he could not do anything wrong. My sister's boyfriend was very friendly with the police, so going to the police to advise them about this situation would not have worked in my favour. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about what happened. I lost my virginity by this man. From ever since that day, I cannot get these feelings out of my head.

When my parents sent for me to live abroad, he would call my parents' house telling me how much he loves me and he wants me in his life. And he would pay my fare to come back to Jamaica; that is when I decided to contact my grandmother in Jamaica and advise her of what took place all those years. I got the nerve to tell my mother, but did not mention anything to my father.

I have been married twice and part of what broke up the relationship is that I am very turned off by sex and sometime for months I would not want anyone to touch me because of the feelings I had when I was young and my virginity was taken away without my permission. I thought over time I would be able to get this matter out of my mind, but it is not happening.

When I mentioned this to my second husband that is when he told my father about what this man had done to me. All through my life I have wanted this man to die, and yes, the Good Lord has final taken him, but I still cannot get rid of the pain I am suffering.

I go to bed crying when it all comes back to me. I try to forgive him and my sister because she knew what this man had done to me and she did not do anything, but I can't. They both have ruined my life.

Pastor, how can I even continue living without having all these memories? I am looking forward to hearing from you. Thanks and have a blessed day.

Scarred

Dear Scarred,

As I was reading your letter, I was hoping to see that you have gone for professional help. But nothing is said about that; therefore, I am assuming that you have never sat with anyone who is professionally trained, such as a psychologist. You have been carrying a very heavy burden all alone and you need not only therapy but spiritual deliverance. Only God can lift the burden from your spirit and set you free.

I am not surprised that you have not been able to relate to men and that your marriages have failed. Sex for you is a drag because of the abuse you have suffered from the time you were 11 years old.

If indeed your sister knew that her man was having sex with you and she didn't do anything about it, she is indeed wicked. However, I pray that God will give you the grace to forgive all those who abused you.

Read your Bible, it will bring comfort to you. I suggest that you read Psalm 37. And as you read this wonderful psalm, pray that God will comfort your heart. Make an appointment to see a psychologist and please keep in touch with me. I will be praying for you too.

Pastor