Dear Pastor,

I am 25 and living with a man. He is 57 and is a widower. I met him at a wedding and he told me that he is single and he is looking for a woman. His last child is 17 and she is attending school in America. She lives with her aunt. I became interested in this man and we became friends. I came to love him very much.

The problem is, he told me that he is not interested in getting married again and that is because of his children. I go to his house every two weeks to visit him. He has a housekeeper. She does everything for him. The way I see them relate to each other caused me to suspect that they have something going, so I asked him and he was very upset.

When I am there, he doesn't make me cook because this lady cooks everything for him. He said that she is like a part of his family. When I first went there, she used to talk to me. Now, she doesn't say much but she is not showing me bad face.

Every time we have sex he gives me money. I told him I don't like that, but he continues to do so. He told me that he used to pay for sex since his wife died. So now that I come to see him, he is giving me the money that he would usually use to buy sex.

During the month of December, he didn't want me to visit because his daughter and her friends were at his house for Christmas and he said he did not want to introduce me to his daughter. I love this man but he said he will not change his mind and get married to me. I would love him to change his mind and marry me. He is paying for me to go to school and I don't want to lose him.

V.T.

Dear V.T.,

You cannot say that this man is fooling you. You cannot say that he has given you hope of getting married to you. That is not in his plans. What he is doing for you is to help you get an education, so do not waste the opportunity. Stop accusing him of having an intimate relationship with his housekeeper. If you want to get married, you are with the wrong man.

However, some men who have lost their wives and said that they will never get married again, after many years change their mind. But I wouldn't encourage you to hang around indefinitely for many years with this man hoping that he would marry you.

This man is paying you for sex. The message he is sending you is that he doesn't want you to do anything for him for free. If you had a restaurant and both of you were friends and he came to eat at your restaurant, he would pay for his dinner. He is a businessman in every sense of word, so even when you protest, he is still going to pay you for your service.

Pastor