Dear Pastor,

I am a 23-year-old young lady and I have been reading your column for a long time. I find it to be interesting and educational. Two years ago, I met a man and we fell in love. He is a very loving and caring young man. When we first met, anywhere I wanted to go, he would take me. And he was always surprising me by buying me gifts.

When my parents and other relatives found out that we were in love, they discouraged me. They said that he did not suit me and that I could do better. My parents didn't want me to be involved with a poor man. I fought the issue and I decided that I would continue to love this man in spite of what my parents said. I didn't go anywhere with him anymore, but we were still in love and we communicated by phone, text, etc.

Then one day, he told me something that upset me. And I realised that he wasn't a pushover, so I decided to keep quiet until I was finished with college and we would get married. I finally decided to meet with him again and to talk about our future. My parents found out and they were furious. But I challenged them and told them that I was old enough to make my own decisions.

I am convinced that I am in love with him. And although he is not educated and he is from a poor family, we can make life together. My biggest challenge now is to convince him to drop his other girlfriends. You see, pastor, because we were not seeing each other, and I couldn't meet his sexual needs, he was having sex with other women. I gave him permission to do so. He has decided to stop. I know he will stop.

I wasn't against him seeing other women, but now that we are going to get married, I want him only for myself. Do you think that he will continue to run around? If he continues, my parents will curse me and tell me that he never was a good man and that I don't have any ambition.

Pastor, I really love this man. Please tell me what to do.

Initial Withheld

Dear ...,

I believe that your parents mean well. Good parents want the very best for their children. They don't want their children to make mistakes, especially when it has to do with their future and marriage. Sometimes parents are correct and they judge the matter of relationship spot on. But there are times when they are wrong.

Unfortunately, in Jamaica, some parents judge others by the colour of their skin. If their daughter or son is of a light complexion, they prefer to see them marry people of a lighter hue.

I shall never forget counselling a young lady many years ago whose parents rejected her boyfriend because he was of a dark complexion and she was of a very light complexion as her parents. Her parents where very prominent Jamaicans and held positions in government. Her mother would curse her and called her boyfriend a monkey, gorilla, etc. But this girl loved her boyfriend and was determined to marry him.

To this day, every time I hear the names of these persons, I remember how they treated their daughter, but I could never divulge their names. What makes me very sad is that these very people were looked upon by society as good and as people who loved their fellow Jamaicans and would give their lives for them. The truth is such persons are liars and believe that they are of the ruling class.

I cannot mention all that you have said in your letter, but I do want you to know that I understand what you are facing. And I want to encourage this young man and you to try to develop the relationship. You made a mistake by encouraging him to have other women. That's never a good thing to tell a young man that he can do because he could find it difficult to end the relationship with these other women. And not all women are willing to walk away from a good man.

Therefore, I would further suggest that both of you make an appointment to see a family counsellor and have counselling sessions with him/her as you plan for the future.

Pastor