Dear Readers,

M. Johnson, 15, writes Lifeline from her home in Barbican, St Andrew. Her family has had to deal with the recent death of her mother who was ill for some time with cancer. Her mother was one of those women who was deeply involved in all her family members' lives, solving problems, refereeing disputes, and generally holding her family together.

Now that she has passed on, M. feels afraid that everything is changing rapidly. There is much fussing and quarrelling at home, and her mom's death has left an empty space, which, it seems, no one can fill. Her mother's sister is staying with them for a while, but it is not nearly the same, and her father wants to be left alone. He is hardly at home anymore.

M. and her younger, 12-year-old sister are doing a lot of crying every day. M. says her mom used to read Lifeline and she is now reading this column also. She asks Lifeline how she can make things better for her family as she is the oldest child and knows she must help out. She just wishes her mum wasn't dead.

Lifeline wishes God's blessings on the Johnson family and for M. in particular. At a recent event, a minister of religion commented that every time a child was born, the world changed. It would, therefore, seem true to say that every time someone dies, the world also changes. These changes are often even more painful and traumatic when the deceased person has lived well with his fellowman and done a good job of living, for then, the missing is greater.

Grieving is the natural result of loss in one's life, and loss comes in many forms:

Loss of a loved one

Loss of a pet

Loss of a job

Divorce

Loss of health

Loss of financial stability

Loss of a friendship

Loss of a cherished dream

Loss of a sense of safety after a traumatic event

A miscarriage

Moving away from home.

The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be.

Grieving is a highly individualised process. How well a person copes will depend on his coping skills, life experiences, and faith in God.

Grieving takes time and cannot be rushed. Healing occurs only gradually. It can take weeks, months, or even years to grieve, but the process has to proceed gradually and at its own pace.

Patience is important. Be patient with others who are grieving, and also be patient with yourself. Feeling sad and lonely and experiencing pain are normal reactions to loss, and crying does not mean that a person is weak. Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it is just one of several possible responses.

Psychiatry describes five stages of grieving. These are:

1) Denial - this is not happening.

2) Anger - who is responsible for this occurring?

3) Bargaining - change this outcome and "I will do something in return."

4) Depression - sadness all the time.

5) Acceptance - coming to terms with the loss, achieving peace.

Not everyone goes through these stages, or even experiences them in this order, but the stages are commonly seen during grief.

Some people have highs and lows. Emotional pain and depression may occur during life events such as births, graduations, weddings, and special holidays. Some people feel as if they are going crazy or like they are living in a dream and can't wake up. This is often due to the shock of the upsetting event. The feelings usually pass eventually. The death of a loved one can trigger fears of bad health in the surviving relatives and bring them face to face with their own mortality.

The following suggestions are helpful in coping with grief:

Never grieve alone. Accept support and share your loss.

Seek the counsel and consolation of friends and family members.

Turn to God, your clergy, and spiritual activities.

Seek the help and support of counsellors and medical persons such as psychiatrists or psychologists.

Take care of your physical health. Exercise regularly.

On specific anniversaries related to events in the lost one's life, do not be alone. Be in the company of friends and other loved ones.

Sometimes prescribed antidepressants are needed for a time until the worst is past.

Memories of a departed loved one will always be there, but as time passes, the memories should no longer occupy centre stage. If grief is not resolving with time, then the help of a medical physician or psychiatrist should be sought.

Write to: Lifeline: PO Box 1731 KGN 8