Dear Pastor,

I am 19 years old and I grew up in the Church. I had to go to church every Sunday. My grandmother, who raised me, was very strict, so my brother and I had to get up early and after doing our chores, get ready for church. I don't know my father and my mother left us when I was nine years old and my brother was seven and went to America. She got married up there but it didn't work. Until now she is not straight.

When I was 17, I met this man. He started to help me. He is twice my age, but I love him. He also helps my brother. He is a businessman. I am not his only girlfriend, but he told me that I am the one he would marry if he is to get married again. He and his wife are not together, but she has not divorced him and she is still living in the house. But he is not living there. He goes there sometimes but he doesn't sleep there.

My grandmother knows him and she was against the relationship. But when she saw how much my boyfriend was treating me, she stopped quarrelling. I stopped going to church, but I want to go back because I love church.

Pastor, this man is awesome, but he has a very large penis. I used to cry whenever we were having sex. I don't cry out anymore but sometimes the tears come. He is a bad-word king. He curses a lot of bad words whenever he is having sex with me. I asked him why he has to curse so much bad words and he said he is not cursing bad words, he is just talking dirty because he is enjoying it.

I told my mother about him and she called my grandmother and told her that she is upholding with me and causing this man to destroy my life. I told my mother that it is not my grandmother who is destroying my life, if anybody is to destroy my life it is her because she left us as children and has not come back and I am over 18 and can make my own decisions.

My boyfriend has added on a room to my grandmother's house, just for me, with its own bathroom. And he has put a water tank to the house.

I am planning to go to university and he will pay my fees. There is a guy who loves me and he is always inviting me out and I told him I have a boyfriend. He asked me who he is and I gave him his name. And he went and told some of his friends, so now lots of people know that he is my man and some are saying that I am too young for him. So I am asking you to tell me how you feel about this relationship.

F.E.

Dear F.E.,

You have declared that this man is married and he has other women, apart from you. He is probably a man of means. I cannot imagine that his other women are not getting any financial help from him. Right now you believe that all is well because of the financial support you are getting from him. Very few women in your position would have turned down his offers. He added a room on your grandmother's house for your convenience. He is supporting you financially and has promised to put you through university.

I wonder if you are aware that what he is doing for you is at a great price. I wonder if you know also that it will not be possible for you to easily walk away from this man. He is cementing the relationship by the things he is doing for you. The danger is as you grow older and mature, you may not love him as much as you do now.

The question is, are you prepared to be in this type of relationship for life? This man has already said that he is not sure he will get married again. Would you not want to get married and have children? How do you know that this man would not want you to be his sweetheart for years to come? His wife is still living at the matrimonial home. They are not divorced so he may move home at any given time.

Having said the above, let me hasten to say that I know that you are glad for the help and the prospect of attending university with all the expenses paid, but this relationship is not healthy, and the whole thing can blow up in your face. This man is with you for a number of reasons. You are young and when both of you met, you were inexperienced and naïve, and he probably took your virginity. And although you complain about the size of his penis, both of you consider each other special.

I am not here to condemn you, but I believe that you should get yourself a job, learn to support yourself, take a student loan and go to university. You might not see what I am trying to say, but believe me, young lady, you are in bondage. And if you continue with this man, when you want to leave him, you will have to run away from Jamaica.

Pastor