Dear Pastor,

I am currently in a good job; however, I am living with my mother, my two brothers, and my stepfather. My mother and I don't have a consistently good relationship. We argue and keep malice for weeks, and sometimes we are great friends.

My stepfather and I do not get along. We have no conversations. It all started in 2003. I was living with my grandmother in another area. I lived with her from birth until age 12. I used to go to visit my mother on weekends.

In summer 2003, when I was 12, my stepfather started to try talking to me because I wouldn't speak to him, for what reason at that time, I don't know. I just didn't like talking to him. When my mother would send me to call him, I would just stand and make sounds or look until he saw me and then deliver the message.

He would ask questions like if I had a boyfriend. He would buy me gifts like roses and teddy bears and would tell me not to tell my mother. Then it became monetary gifts. First a $200 then $500 and he would say not to tell my mother.

One day, I was watching television and a girl was in a bikini in a music video. He said he liked seeing girls in bikinis and would buy me one. Then another day, he tried kissing me, and I moved away.

Another day, I was in the bathroom and he was there talking. I asked him to excuse himself because I was bathing, and he said ok and that he was going around to use the toilet. I tried to come out quickly because the door did not have a lock. He opened the door just as I was exiting. He touched my vagina and asked why I was hiding it. I called my friend and started crying, and my friend called my mother and told her. He denied it.

From that day, he and I have been enemies. He is always trying to tell lies on me and accusing me of stealing. He even made my uncle turn against me saying he saw when I stole my uncle's watch when I didn't.

I wasn't focused in high school and I had to go to live with some people from church. My mother became pregnant with my youngest brother so I started going back there often to visit until I went back to live with them. I tried to build a relationship with my mother as we didn't have such a close one because I didn't grow up with her. I also tried to build a relationship with my brothers.

Now that I am older, it is like we are competing for attention from my mother. When I am there, I feel uncomfortable. I don't feel safe going in the kitchen to eat and having him watching or peeping and then complaining about the food.

Recently, he has been accusing my mother of crazy things, even saying she is a lesbian. He complains and curses about everything and watches us. He even crawls on his belly or hides in bushes and watches my mother. He is very verbally abusive. He has never been physically abusive. If I cook, he doesn't eat, and he complains that too much food is used when I cook.

The other day, I was planning to move into my own place because I can afford to be on my own as I earn a good salary and my job offers good benefits, but my mother seemed sad and didn't want me to go. She influenced me not to move, and I did not. I recently got a promotion to another branch of the company. I am employed in another parish where my fiancé has an apartment. He is hardly there, and it is ok for me to stay there. But my mother does not want me to go as she says I am going to live with a man. He is hardly there because he is a member of the military, but I have to leave my mother's place because I am not comfortable there.

I feel this promotion is good for me, and I plan to finish my degree because I was attending university. I am going to miss my brothers and mother, but I cannot stay with them. I already accepted the offer. Please advise me what to do.

J.

Dear J.,

I can see why you are anxious to leave your mother's home. Your stepfather has not been good to you. You should move on. But I cannot encourage you to go and live at your boyfriend's apartment. And you should listen to your mother, who is discouraging you from doing so. Perhaps you should consider renting your own flat instead of staying at your boyfriend's apartment. That is not a good plan. Visit your mother as often as possible and do not neglect to help her financially.

Pastor