Dear Pastor,

I am a woman who is over 40 and I am involved with a man for approximately six years. In 2010, I found out he was involved with another woman, but I tried to go on with the relationship, even though I was hurting.

Later on, I was informed that the other woman attended school with my child. This made me feel very awful, so I decided to leave him. When I left him, I got close to another man who has been showing interest in me since 2009, but I told him I was already involved and would not start a relationship with him. He told me that he would wait on me, and he did.

This man and I became very close and he would often express his love for me. It felt good to hear those words, as the man I was with before hardly said them to me.

After being involved with the other man, my first lover started coming back around and telling me that he loves me and that I should not throw away the years we have been together. I asked him about the other woman and he kept saying they were no longer together and it was because of helping her with her child why they had gotten involved.

Well, Pastor, like a fool, I listened to all he said, and because I still love him and wanted him even while dating the other guy, I started seeing him again. I am a very confused person right now because I don't know whether I did the right thing by going back to him. The other guy is very angry with me. He hardly wants to speak to me and I am missing him very much.

little gifts

I am now thinking that I have messed up a good thing that I may never recover, even though I want to. This guy had included me into his plans for the future. He is kind and would call me every morning before he goes to work to find out if I am okay and before he goes to bed, especially when he works late, to let me know he arrived home safely. He never skimps when giving me money and would buy me little gifts outside of special occasions.

Pastor, what bothers me the most is that the man of six years got divorced before we met, but has a very great desire to be with his family again and I fear that I may one day lose him to them, even though his last child is now 17. You see, he keeps saying he never wanted to be divorced and that all he wants is to be with his family. His wife migrated and took the children and got married to get her stay, which she has now gotten.

Don't get me wrong, Pastor, I am not here to keep families apart. I believe that if a marriage can be reconciled, it should and I would not get in his way if he goes back.

What is making me depressed is the fact that I know these things, but because of how I feel about him, I can't tell him it is over and mean it. We can't predict the future, but from all indications, the other guy is a good man and would make me happy. He would just call me out of the blue and say "I love you" and do other little things that make me feel good and special.

My boyfriend of six years cheated several times and I knew, but never confronted him. However, I still love him and I am now wondering why I am being such a fool and can't let him go. I believe that love can conquer all, but should I have sacrificed the relationship with the other guy knowing all I know? On top of all that, I am here hoping he will forgive me and take me back. Would I be asking too much of him?

Pastor, should I break it off with the man of six years and go back to the other? The man of six years, even though he has never given me the amount of money the other guy gave me and he cheats, he is also kind and shares whatever he has with me no matter how small.

I am missing the other guy so badly. It is beginning to show. I am not the kind of woman to be involved sexually with two men at once, so that is not an option I would consider. I want to settle down. I was married, but my husband left me for another woman who had a child for him while he was married to me. I am scared this man is going to leave me one day for his family and I would have lost a good man (the other guy) because I love him. How can I make this right and be happy with whatever decision I take?

T.B.

Dear T.B.,

Indeed, you are very confused, but you have contributed to the state in which you have found yourself. When you ended the relationship with the man with whom you were involved for six years, you should not have gone back. Now you have gone back, but at the same time you are yearning for the other man. You are not using common sense.

So, hear me now, you are going to have to make your own decision as to what direction you should take. Make sure that whatever you do is done in your best interest.

Pastor