Dear Pastor,

I am in my mid-thirties and I have been married for four years to my wife who is a few months older than I am. We have good education and good jobs but we have a lot of expenses and so we are just getting by.

My wife was the second woman for me after I separated from my first love with whom I had a six-year relationship. Though we have known each other since college, my wife and I only began dating after the breaking up between myself and my previous partner nine years ago. Since we have been together we have had two kids.

To be honest, pastor, we have never had what I would call a great relationship. My wife is very attractive. She had several lovers before we became involved and has never seemed sexually attracted to me. In fact, it was seven days into our marriage that we finally consummated the union when I pointed out to her that it was about time. Sometimes for a month we don't have sex. She has never even once been the initiator. She was a victim of rape at age 20 and so I attributed some of her reticence to that horrifying experience.

We had one major break-up prior to being married in which I moved on and had an intimate relationship with a single woman. This woman was a friend and a professional colleague. I ended the relationship within days when it started. I was forced to end it as my wife, then immediate ex-girlfriend, called me from Jamaica to say she was expecting a child in seven months.

finances

I knew I did love my wife and thought a proper family would be best for all concerned. My marriage has not gone well as I find I have had to give up too much but I was still trying to resolve the issues as my vows mean a lot to me. I think finances are a big part of our woes and I can now see where it is likely that that will finally be laid to rest. In fact, I have made good money in my stints overseas but at the price of separation from the kids and wife for months at a time. I am actually hurt about that as generally speaking I am the one who does everything with the kids and I had to leave them for 18 months ending in April this year because she would not allow them to come with me. Despite her having a sales job, she comes home late three-four times in the weeks and out of Jamaica for three weeks in every quarter. The kids were devastated and wanted to come with me, but in the end I allowed them to stay with her because our educational system is far superior to the systems that obtain in the underprivileged areas that I get work permits to serve in.

When we were together as a family I noted that despite my efforts at romance with poetry, gifts, nights out, etc. my wife was generally detached and one night last year while the family was joining me at a conference, I noted she was even more detached than usual and was really caught up with her BlackBerry and computer.

It really got to me and I tried to take the computer away from her on an occasion on that trip when she fought me like a tigress defending a cub. I knew something was wrong because she had been claiming extreme fatigue and yet still found the strength to fight for the computer. I told her I was through with her then and there and she broke into tears and proclaimed her undying love and actually made the most passionate love ever to me that night.

unfaithful

I decided to get a friend who is a computer whiz to check on her but did not act until a few weeks ago when we reconnected at an old boys' function. Within minutes he sent me the attached info. He had quite a few examples to prove she was unfaithful with a minimum of two people. He warned me that she would not be home on the Friday night as one of her lovers' birthday was coming up. Sure enough she had a trip set up for that day.

This situation only arose two weeks ago and since then we have been doing better sexually and in communication but she refuses to attend formal counselling and though it is clear that we struggle financially in Jamaica she is hell bent on staying in Jamaica and so I am faced with again leaving on my own when next I am supposed to go to the USA which is in eight months' time.

I think she is only interested in never getting caught again. I have forgiven her but I know I deserve better. I find myself lonely at times like I am living through my kids. I have never strayed in our marriage but I am distraught as she obviously wanted her lovers and the comments she made with them. I mean I am an athletic guy and I am in a good job and get hit on regularly and I have to go home and beg for sex and my wife is giving it away.

Pastor she has not even really admitted guilt and I feel if she does not accede to counselling within eight weeks of the letters I should face the music and opt for a divorce. I am not at fault here.

Everyone thinks we are a model family. I do my share and we go to a lot of functions as a family. I pay the bills, help with the chores, send love notes, write poems. I know I am good in bed and I definitely am not inhibited so I just feel that we just do not gel.

Distraught Husband

Dear Distraught Husband,

I am sorry I do not have good news for you, but I must tell you the truth. This union will not last. Your wife does not love you. And because of that, she will always be unfaithful to you. It has nothing to do with your working abroad. If she had any love at all for you, she would be willing to get professional help. She is not interested in seeing a counsellor because she knows that there is no love in her heart for you so it would be a waste of time to go and see a counsellor.

Therefore, my friend, it is only a matter of time before this marriage blows up. Prepare for the worse because that day is coming.

Pastor