Dear Pastor,

I am an Adventist young lady and over the past years I have been struggling with porn addiction. It started when I was younger and my stepfather left porn videos lying around the house. He caught my sister and I watching them, but after that it was like it never happened.

My stepfather started molesting me at nights in my sleep. I could feel like there was someone taking off my underwear and rubbing something wet on me. It got so bad that I started sleeping in a lot of clothes and when I felt him on me, I began to turn to get him off me. Eventually, I told my mother and she said that she would talk to him. He stopped but I still didn't feel comfortable around him alone, even to this day, although I have forgiven him.

I don't know why I watched porn because after I finished watching it, I didn't feel satisfied. I always regret that I watched it. From then on, I became hooked on porn. I have tried to stop but it only lasted for 2-3 weeks.

The other thing that I want to talk about is dry sex. My boyfriend and myself are struggling with this. He likes to do it, but I don't because of my religion. I need to leave my parents' house and find a job because I am so miserable here. I need a place of my own. My real dad calls me but he doesn't support me.

Please help me.

Unnamed

Dear Unnamed,

I believe that you started watching porn and thought that it would be great fun. And then it became a habit, at least that's what you thought. But you have come to realise that it is not just a habit, it is an addiction. The good news is that you can overcome this addiction. Porn is controlling you and it is affecting you in every way. You know from experience that it does not bring lasting satisfaction and, instead of adding joy to your life, it steals your joy. It does not satisfy your sexual desires. And you have also come to realise that it is indeed a problem.

There is no magic wand that you can use to overcome this addiction. Some people have learnt to get rid of all such materials, such as videos, magazines, etc. from their homes or dorms or anywhere that they can have easy access, so that they will not be tempted to look at them.

Others have become part of support groups and socialise with people who are also addicted to porn and those who have the addiction under control, so to speak. You would be surprised to learn that people from all walks of life are addicted to porn, so you need not feel ashamed to seek help. Some people are addicted to alcohol and also nicotine, etc. and they struggle to overcome their addiction. The same is true about someone who is addicted to porn. Your addiction did not develop overnight, so you should not expect to bring it under control overnight. You may even fail in your effort to bring it under control and may have to see a professional for help.

not be tempted

Some folks look at porn when they feel lonely, so they try to avoid being alone, especially on weekends. Some will not use the computer unless someone is around, so that they will not be tempted to go on pornographic sites. When you are tempted to use porn, do something else to take its place. Perhaps that is a good time to talk to God in prayer and ask Him to help you. One can also draw strength from prayer and Bible reading.

You have enough reasons to hate your stepfather, but I am glad that you have forgiven him instead. Your attitude is right. You have forgiven him, but you cannot trust him. Evidently your mother believed you when you spoke to her about him. Unfortunately, she remained with him. He has no shame.

Try to avoid making out with your boyfriend. If both of you continue to toy with each other's body, eventually you might go all the way. Both of you should learn to control your sexual feelings until you are married.

Pastor

Porn is controlling you and it is affecting you in every way. You know from experience that it does not bring lasting satisfaction and, instead of adding joy to your life, it steals your joy.