Dear Pastor,

I am having problems with my marriage, my wife and my daughter's closeness. My daughter is 27 years old and she still lives in our house with her two children. She has them for two different fathers and the men are absent. My wife and daughter team up against me and disrespect me in my own house. For most of my life, I have worked two jobs and got little rest, but didn't mind because I wanted to try to get ahead and support my family that I loved. I have had so many red flags in my marriage, and it is hard to believe that my wife is not having an affair.

We have stopped having sex altogether and she appears uninterested. She also sleeps in the spare room with her daughter and kids. She also bathes in the hallway bathroom and not in our bathroom. Whenever I ask her to sleep in our room, she makes excuses. Whenever I try to be affectionate with her, she is very cold and abrupt towards me.

I visited my parents' house on a weekend, and when I returned home I found the bed made up and her sleeping at the foot of it. When I asked her to sleep with me at the top of the bed, she said she would rather sleep at the bottom. She wears a bunch of jewellery on her person and she hardly wears her wedding band. She works in a private space in another building with infants away from the main building at a day care centre which is run by a woman and a man. But I don't know if these people are married.

My wife is a gorgeous Jamaican woman and I am a handsome black male. I am no angel, but I trusted my wife, and when I courted her in letters, I expressed to her how I was a hot, sizzling romantic by nature who was open-minded to sex.

She didn't want to have oral sex with me after marriage, nor did she want to share in my fantasies of having a threesome in private. When offered to have a threesome, she said yes, then when the time came she refused. She said if I had been well off she probably would have done it, and that made me very unhappy.

I always felt throughout our marriage that something was missing. We lived many places. When I was in the navy, she never wrote to me while I was on six-month ship deployment. I always thought I would get a Dear John letter, but it never came. When I got home, I received a phone call from a male using vulgar words and he said he wanted to have anal sex with my wife, as if he had been talking with her the whole time I was gone.

Once I was at a house party and my brother-in-law's friend kept asking me if I was going to Jamaica with my wife, and I got very suspicious. When I confronted him about it, he said he only wanted to know. Another time I came home early from work and my wife was in the bathtub very early and I sensed that something was wrong. The look in her eyes and her body language told me she was daydreaming about something. Her body language was that of a wife who had great sex and was overwhelmed by it with multiple climaxes. When I looked down in the clear bath water I saw what appeared to be male discharge sperm strands stretching out from her vagina. I asked her who she had sex with, and she didn't answer, but when I told her about sperm strand coming from her vagina, she said it was toilet tissue. I asked her about an affair with her boss and she became very angry and wouldn't give me a straightforward answer.

Pastor, what do you think of my wife? What is occurring in our marriage and my daughter's relationship with my wife? A second opinion is always better than my own.

P.

Dear P.,

You don't have a marriage, and I suggest that it is time for you and your wife to go your separate ways. Your home is dysfunctional. Your wife has no interest in you and you have not tried to build a good relationship with her either. You have insisted that both of you should engage in threesomes. From the tone of your letter, you are very freaky and you believe that freaky things can keep a relationship together. You are so very wrong.

I do not doubt that your wife is having affairs. But you are not innocent. You are a bad boy too. Your wife is not to blame for everything that has gone wrong in the relationship. If you were treating her with respect, perhaps the marriage could have been saved. But as I see it, regardless of what you do now, nothing will cause her to love you.

I don't know why you feel that your daughter and your wife have ganged up against you. You have to examine yourself. Your wife is bad and you are bad. Two bulls can't rule in one pen. I have nothing more to say.

Pastor.