Dear Pastor,

I am 20 and my parents are in America. They left my brother, who is 22, and me to live in the house and to take care of everything. Both of us are working. And sometimes we cook for each other, but it's not all the time I feel like cooking because I leave work late and when I get home I am tired.

My brother started to bring his girlfriend to stay with him on weekends. She is very nasty. When she uses the bathroom, she doesn't clean up. She takes her shower and expects me to clean up the bathroom. I spoke to my brother about it and he got vexed and he accused me of not liking his girlfriend. It is not that I don't like her, but she is not clean.

Although my brother allows his girlfriend to come and stay with him, he doesn't want my boyfriend to come to the house and stay over. He says if I want to sleep with a man he should take me to his house, but I must not sleep with him in my father's house. I ask him how it is that a girl can sleep with him in our house and I can't sleep with my man in my father's house. He made me know that he is a man and when my parents are away he is the man in the house, and as the man in the house, he can do anything.

Whenever my boyfriend comes to the house, my brother is very nice to him, but he always warns me that I should be careful because he is a salesman and salesmen have women everywhere and sometimes they cannot count the number of women they have. Do you think my brother has the right to bring a woman in the house and sleep with her and my man cannot sleep over?

I will be looking for your answer.

E.S.

Dear E.S.,

Your brother and you have got along very well. But his relationship with this girl who is untidy is causing problems between the both of you. You have a right to talk about your dissatisfaction by the way she operates. After she has used the bathroom, she should indeed clean up so that others who have to use it would not feel uncomfortable.

Concerning the sleeping over, your brother believes that as a man he has the right to allow his girlfriend to spend weekends with him. The truth is that he should only do so with your consent because both of you are sharing facilities. You seem not to object to his girlfriend spending weekends at the house, but you would insist that she practises cleanliness.

Your brother does not want your boyfriend to stay overnight when he visits you. Rightly or wrongly, he does not feel very comfortable having him around for any long period because as we commonly say in Jamaica, he doesn't want any man to "come and tek set" in his father's place. When some men begin to sleep at women's homes, it becomes a habit and it is very difficult to have them stop. It causes a lot of problems, including physical fights.

It might appear as if your brother is unfair, but I think he is only trying to protect you. I know you don't see it that way, but try to live in peace with him. He doesn't trust your boyfriend and he doesn't "rate" him either. If you are going to continue the relationship with your boyfriend, try to find out as much as possible about him and don't insist that he should be allowed to stay with you at the house.

Pastor