Dear Pastor,

I am a Christian and I sing on the choir at my church. I also teach the beginners' class. I am 35 and I have two children. My husband is active in church also. The problem I am having is that my son, who is 11 years old, cannot get along with my husband. This is so because my husband is not his father. Three months after we got married, my son mumbled something in his room after he spoke to my husband. I spoke to my son about it and he assured me he wouldn't do it again. My husband started acting up by telling me that that was why he didn't want to take up with a woman with children. He told me that I should send my son away, and if I didn't, he was going to end our marriage.

One day, I told my husband that I was going to invite our pastor over to deal with the situation once and for all. He was missing from the meeting and he said that no one could talk to him. I told him to let us go to talk to his brother, who is an officer in our church, and he said the same thing.

In 2009, I got pregnant for him. I gave birth to a boy. I got pregnant because I didn't want him to say that all he was working for was my older son, which is what he was saying. I have never disrespected my husband in any way. I have never cheated on him. Anywhere I am, he knows.

I went to see my sister one afternoon and he got upset, and I never did it again. If I am going anywhere, I have to tell him, and I can't stay long. Whenever I come home, he searches my bags. He would just put on his clothes and leave. He would only say that he would be back soon.

He told me that I should have another baby. I told him no because he was not behaving well. My son has passed his GSAT and he has been placed at a high school. My husband told me that he would lend me money to sort out his things for school. He knows that my son's father doesn't pay him any mind and yet he does these things. I spoke to him about his behaviour, but he hasn't changed.

Pastor, please give me your honest advice. He has even thrown things to hit me. He ran me out of the house last December because I refused to vote. He told me to look after my older son, and he would take care of his son. He called me "foolish gyal" before his family and friends. He would also have rough sex with me and cause the condom to burst inside of me. And the worst part of it is that whenever I ask him for money to buy anything, he tells me to go and sell my body.

Christian, Clarendon

Dear Christian,

Whatever your son told your husband upset him deeply and it has caused your husband to dislike your son. He considers him rude and disrespectful. You see, madam, it is well known that some children, whose mothers were not married to their biological fathers, believe that their stepfathers should not correct, discipline, or ask them to do anything. They believe that it is only their biological fathers who have that right. And that is why many men are reluctant to marry women who have children.

On the other hand, if these children were properly instructed and counselled by their parents before the marriage and they understand that they would have to obey their stepfathers or mothers, many problems would not arise.

not behaving as a mature man

Now, having said the above, your husband is not behaving as a mature man. Whatever the child might have said to him should not have caused him to overreact. And he should not be saying disrespectful things to you. He now is behaving as a child when he should be behaving as a responsible parent and husband.

Your husband has very bad habits. He searches your bags. He goes where he wants to go without informing you. He is behaving as if you are the one who wants him and he does not want you; he can do without you. He is a bully. There is need for counselling, but he believes that he knows everything and no one can talk to him. Only a foolish man behaves that way. And if he does not change, this marriage is bound to fail. A good relationship is not one-sided.

Stand up for your rights. Insist that both of you should see a family counsellor. Make sure that your son is not disobedient to him. But at the same time, do not allow your husband to verbally abuse your son. If your husband is not prepared to conduct himself as a decent and loving husband and father, you should prepare yourself for the worst. I am not telling you to leave your husband, but remember that if you have to do so, God will provide for you. Not all marriages are successful. So don't fret yourself to death, so to speak.

Pastor