Dear Pastor,

I am 21 years old and I am living with my mother, but from the time I was 16 years old I have had a boyfriend. He is now 61 years old and he is everything good to me. When I met him he told me the truth. He told me that he has a wife and four children: two with his wife and two with two different women. He paid for me to go through school and I did not hide anything from my mother.

My mother told me that my father left her when she was pregnant with me and she will not condemn me because it is a married man who helped her to support me. I knew the man. He was always coming to the house but I did not know he was married until I was 12 years old.

kill myself

Pastor, I have never had another boyfriend. I go out with different guys, but I never had sex with them. This man doesn't stop me from going out. I am getting worried now because he told me that he is going into church, so we will have to stop having sex. I told him I prefer to kill myself than to have another man lie down on me. He said that the man doesn't have to lie down on me, I could lie down on him. He was joking this thing off, but I am serious about it. I can't eat since he told me that we have to break up.

This man encouraged me to stay home and he furnished our house and taught me how to save. I have enough money to make a down payment on a house, but he doesn't want me to live in that area.

He reads your column. I want him to see this letter and to let him know that I am serious about killing myself. I don't want any man apart from him. If he is going to leave me, I am going to stop taking the pill and get pregnant. I know some people may say that I am foolish but I am not. He has been my man for years and I want it to remain that way.

Give me your advice.

C.S.

Dear C.S.,

I understand that you feel obligated to this man. I want to comment first of all on what your mother told you. Evidently, your mother and yourself have had a good relationship over the years. Some mothers are not so open with their children, especially their daughters. They either withhold information from them or they curse and tell their daughter that they should go out and sell themselves to get money. It is because you have a good relationship with your mother why you felt that you could talk to her about the man with whom you established an intimate relationship.

receiving benefits

Perhaps your mother could have discouraged you from becoming entangled with a married man, considering that she was in a similar position and she realised that it was not a healthy situation even though she received help financially. I supposed she didn't because she realised that you were in love with him and that you were receiving benefits. Without question, this man has been very good to you. Now he wants to move on, but you are determined to keep him.

My dear, I am going to encourage you to release this man. It would be difficult to get over him. It may take many years to adjust to the loss, but for your own good, let him go. He gave you the reason why the relationship between both of you should end. You know that he could have lied to you. And he could have told you that both of you could still play the game, but he wants to be free. You will never forget him, but you know that he has been a gentleman. Perish the thought about killing yourself. That doesn't make any sense at all. And please don't try to get him to impregnate you because that won't cause him to change his mind.

When you see him again, tell him that you are not sleeping well and you do not know when you will be able to get over him. He will understand. Both of you should agree not to contact each other as often as before. And do not become emotionally involved with any man until you have fully got over this relationship. You might even see the need to see a family counsellor. And, when you are feeling depressed don't call this man. Call your girlfriends and invite them to go to the movies with you.

I wish you well and feel free to call me or write to me and let me know how you are coping.

Pastor