Dear Pastor,

I am hoping that you can help, because you are the only one I think can help me without being judgemental of my state of mind. I am 20 years old and I feel like I am suffering from depression and a nervous breakdown.

I am living a secret life because my family and friends think I am still a virgin, which I am not. Where I am working, I met a young man who is six years older than I am. I have been working there for three months going on four months and we both made it very clear that we are just friends. We started our friendship when he saw me with my BlackBerry and he asked me for my pin number and I gave it to him. Before all of that, I used to admire him, but never thought he would want a girl like me because he is in a higher position than I, so I told myself that I am not going to even look his way.

There is another man who really likes me and he was the first person to make his move. He was always inviting me out on dates before I became friendly with the other man. I always say no because I just don't see him as a boyfriend. He even told me he is in love with me and I think he is telling the truth.

The first guy started to call me every night for three weeks. One day, I was supposed to go to a concert but it never happened and I was really sad, so he asked me if I wanted to come to his house and I agreed. He called a taxi to pick me up and we had sex that night. I don't regret it, because I just felt comfortable around him and I can tell him anything. And he even talks to me by telling me about his past life and he is always encouraging me.

But the thing is, he has a girlfriend for the last five years, but the relationship is on and off. He told me he is very wild. I asked him if he has another girlfriend and he said 'yes' for two years, but the relationship is also on and off'. Honestly, even though I know he is taken, I am actually in love with him, because I can't stop thinking about him. He always makes me laugh and when I reach home from work, all I want to do is hear his voice. I told him that I wish he wasn't taken, but he said that he is nothing but trouble, which I agree, because I really don't think I can go through another heartbreak right now. I haven't told him that I am in love with him, because I think it is best we just remain friends.

The whole reason why I am writing to you is that I want your advice because I am always falling for the guys who are already taken and not the ones that are actually single and are in love with me. I think I am a stupid and foolish girl and also I am in need of a boyfriend, because I am tired of my friends and people who I know asking me if I don't have a boyfriend or when I am going to get a boyfriend.

Honestly, I don't want them to think that I am a lesbian, because I am not. At the same time, I am afraid to have a boyfriend because I don't think my family is going to like him or what they are going to say. I am feeling lonely and I am so withdrawn, because I am very insecure with my body and for that I don't want to go to parties.

I am always in my room and my own family don't even recognise that I am depressed or ask me why I don't want to go out. I feel like killing myself, because I am angry with myself for caring what people think of me.

My first boyfriend was 14 years older than I am and I totally regret it because the relationship only lasted for about four to five months. He is a family friend and he was married at the time. He got married so that he could go to live in America. If my family found out about this they would cry shame on me, because my mom is always boasting that I am a virgin, which I hate when she does that. All of this make me depressed and suicidal, because they all think that I am still a virgin and it is killing me inside knowing I am not. I am nothing but a snake in the grass. I don't have anyone to talk to.

Not even my friends know that I have been having sex, because, honestly, I am not close to them like that. I am just sad and depressed and lonely. Nobody knows what I am going through, they all think I am a goodie-goodie girl.

Please give me your advice on what to do.

Depressed and Lonely

Dear Depressed and Lonely,

You need to go to see a family counsellor. And you need to do that as early as possible. You are suffering from depression and, if you do not get help, your condition will get worse and you might find yourself not being able to function at work. You are too concerned about what people think about you. You have to learn to be yourself and to accept yourself. And right now you do not accept yourself and you do not love yourself, and that is every sad.

Please ignore what others say about you, whether it is good or bad. Stop the relationship that you are having with this man who told you that he is wild. He doesn't love or care for you. You need professional help, so I am begging you to call a counsellor and make an appointment to see him/her. If you do not know where to go, call my office and we will suggest where you can go.

Sometimes I am reluctant to name counsellors, because folks have their preferences. Some prefer to see female counsellors while others prefer to see male counsellors.

Pastor