Dear Pastor,

I have wanted to write you for a long time, and now I finally found the time.

The problem is that my mother and I are having heartaches over my sister. In this day and age, can you find a woman who continues to be in a relationship with a man who does not support her financially with anything? Every day she says that she will break off the relationship, but after a week they are back together. We try our best not to get involved because we see that it literally drives her insane when she is not with him, so we leave them alone.

The problem is she is the same one who complains to us about him saying that she is tired of playing the man's role. But, Pastor, she continues to be in a relationship with him. She took my mother out for her birthday and she took him along, and you would believe that he was the one paying the bill when he ordered the biggest fish.

She has confessed to me that the sex is great and that is the reason she cannot leave him. It is like her medicine. I do hope she will find someone to replace him. There are some really mean men out there who just want to take everything and only offer sex in return. Thus, the reason they get lots of 'bun'. She actually met someone else but she compares him everyday to her so-called ex-boyfriend just to find a reason to go back to him.

low self-esteem

I advised her to take it one day at a time and try to spend some time by herself and enjoy the company of her son. I really don't know what to tell her anymore because she sounds like a broken record. Every day it is the same thing. Can someone experience the same thing for so long (over eight years and not even engaged) and then expect that one day this person is going to change?

She is a beautiful girl, but I believe she doesn't see herself the way others do. It has a lot to do with her self-esteem. I don't think she has enough. She seems to always be choosing the wrong guys. My mother and I are tired. I don't know what to tell her anymore. Sometimes I just listen and try my best not to say anything. That is why I try to tell my daughters how beautiful they are and I also try my best not to put them down, "walk with your head in the sky", so to speak, because these men will take you for granted.

Honestly, I don't know what to tell her anymore. What do you think I should do? I seriously think she needs to see a family counsellor.

T.

Dear T.,

Your sister complains about her man, but she is deeply in love with him. He has his shortcomings. She would have loved to have a man who has certain qualities, but unfortunately, she is already tied up with him and she loves to have sex with him. She has told you that is what is keeping them together.

I would not be surprised if your sister will never get married to anyone or be in a steady relationship as long as this man is available. You say that she is always promising to leave him but she has not done so. Although she acts as if she has stopped seeing him, you know that she is not serious. She is weak towards him and nothing your mother and you can say would cause her to leave him.

Therefore, I am going to suggest to you that you say nothing to your sister about her love life. If the time comes when her love for this man has turned to hate, she would leave him on her own volition. Your mother and you wouldn't have anything to do with it.

And please don't try to tell your sister that she needs to go for counselling. Counselling wouldn't be of any use to her if she doesn't see the need for it.

Pastor